Thanks for the birthday wishes and the condolences! They made me cry and feel grateful at the same time.
@BU, unfortunately, no, we're done. I will find a counselor anyway and wanted Beloved to talk to one too but she was not interested. Beloved, because of her horrible interactions with psychology professionals over the years, thinks most are useless. And the distance makes everything, including couples counseling, more difficult. I think I let things go on too long - she is just out of time for me. It's too late. She stayed a long time but has given up.
@Carma, thank you very much for your sweet words. I hope you take your own words to heart too!
I'm not much of a planner but I am also terrible at living in the present. So I'm trying to be more present and worry less about what I should be doing with myself. It's moment to moment on how I'm doing with that.
I am grateful for my poly community and my 'non-alt' friends - people have been good to me. And I've been trying to stay busy - I went to a book club focusing on books about sex last night. That was fun. I'm focusing on developing new friendships too.
Ironically, I'm fine with turning 40. I'm not happy with the failure of a relationship that I felt was lifelong. I'm not happy with my part in that failure. I'm not happy where I am in life right now. But the age itself is fine.