Thread: Discovery!
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Old 10-17-2011, 06:29 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by Mac341 View Post
So, while I spent the last two nights not sleeping and waiting for the shoe to drop, these are the things that have been going through my head.
  • What happened to taking things slowly and if there's a problem, we all take time and work it out? Isn't that how things are supposed to work?
  • What happened to edging into this carefully until we're certain it works for both of us?
  • So she's great! She rocks your world! And because of that I have to suck it up and deal rather than us taking it slowly. That's not the agreement we made!
  • Half the problem is the problem itself. The other half of the problem is my interpretation of her response:
    I didn't see"Crap. Ok, lets slow down and work on it."

    So far as I can tell: I got anger. I got resentment. I got the message that I was messing with her relationship. It seemed clear that she had no interest trying to make my limit work . She just decided it won't work and that I was interfering in her relationship.

    It would have been lovely to have acknowledgment that their relationship had already seriously impinged upon ours
  • Why am I being made out to be the bad guy for discovering a limit?
  • I gave up our time so she could get a need met and now, when I have a sudden need, an issue, I get anger. I really, really resent that and it's injured my trust. You aren't thinking about us, anymore, you're thinking about you and her
OK so I just want to address this a bit.
You aren't a bad guy for discovering a limit, I am guessing one or both of you aren't using very good communication skills and the discussion around this subject gets heated, people get defensive and feel misunderstood.

Don't give up date nights. There are 7 nights in a week. You can see how this can cause problems, especially because you are feeling you deserve the same caring you feel you showed her by bending your plans to make her happy, and she isn't so you're pissed.

You see how you reference YOUR interpretation of her remarks? Just because she didn't word things the way you wanted or tell you what you wanted to hear does not mean she means any of that (not that she might not). You really have to say. HEY! I really want you to slow down and work on it but I can't tell if you are willing to do so or not, so can we please talk about this? Don't assume anything and be willing to be vulnerable enough to re-request what you need if you think your partner is ignoring you, because half the time people have no idea what other people mean, and they go ahead and act on these misinterpretations, and things go to hell fast.

Of course she thinks you're interfering in her relationship if you are asking things of her that she wouldn't ask of you because you already have a live in partner, and she doesn't tell YOU how to run that relationship or what rules or agreements she wants you to make with them. So some of her stuff coming up now might be based on that

If you were acting as if it should be obvious you get more say over her relationships than she gets over yours, you should just throw that idea out the window and start the conversation over. Just focus on telling her how you feel and asking her for what you would like from her to help you deal with this, or request compromises such as please don't see other partners on our date nights for at least X amount of time until I am feeling more sure that our bond is still important to you too.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 10-17-2011 at 06:33 PM.
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