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Old 10-17-2011, 12:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,143

Originally Posted by knightsaber View Post

about a year ago friends approached me and my then girlfriend X about possibly being involved in a cross couple poly relationship. It was something we had never ruled out of our relationship and we where both open minded individuals so after some long talks we decided to give it a shot. initially it was supposed to be a once a month sort of situation but we very quickly fell into a routine of seeing each other multipul times a week, at there house or ours. or going away for the weekends together. Everything seemed fine for a long time but problems began to surface when I perceived that X seemed to be a lot happier both physicaly and emotionally when with the other guy. Partly because we where growing apart due to various health issues and home life. she said repeatedly this wasn't the case but her actions spoke more to me than her words and soon I became jealous.
This is a common concern for poly newbies (I've experienced it as well). It's called NRE, new relationship energy. The first few months of a new relationship are intoxicating. Infatuation causes all kinds of strong hormones to be released, leading to an obsessive feeling. The primary relationship can seem lesser for a while, since that relationship involved lots of day to day things (household management, illness, children, etc.).

There is an art to managing NRE. Do a tag search here on NRE for how people cope.

I was the happiest Id been in my life yet I couldn't see it.
You were happy in your own NRE with Papillon, yet X's NRE drove you crazy. if only you'd known it would fade over time (for all of you), and meanwhile knew the coping strategies to keep your primary relationship strong while you were both in NRE with others!

About a month ago I decided I needed to end it with them despite still having strong feelings for the other woman involved. I ended it and my girl friend immediatly left me blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues over the break up rather than the fact she could no longer see him.
So, you had that kind of veto power over who X could be with?

However, it's not over. Both of you are still seeing the members of the other couple.

I had taken X from someone she and I cared about very much and had hurt them terribly. I stopped and finally thought about the times we had shared together as a 4 and realized I shouldn't have been jealous the times we all shared together where the best of my life.
Poly life lesson learned! By the way, it's OK to feel jealousy. Most of us do. It's how you handle the jealousy that counts.
Me and X are now separated, she is now seeing the guy involved again and I am now seeing the other woman again. she makes me happy and I can accept the relationship as it is and for who I am. I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let 1 thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with X.

I am Poly I want it as part of my Life, yet I think I may struggle to find another partner like X that accepts this relationship the way it is.
Perhaps there is still a chance for you 2 to get back together, if you are able to educate yourself more around jealousy and NRE and show her what you've learned... How long had you and X been together before you started up with Papillon and her husband? How long had you lived together? Where are you and X living now?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-17-2011 at 12:55 PM.
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