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Old 10-17-2011, 12:06 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,211

Originally Posted by gypsygirl View Post
Hi! For ease of reading- there's me, there's my boyfriend, Sanguinist, his girlfriend, Sleepsong, and her son Z. Z is two.

Many years ago, in college, Sanguinist and Sleepsong dated, as part of a poly arrangement. They broke up, and eventually both got married. Her job and her husbands took her to a different part of the country. His marriage ended badly, and she got back in touch with him, and they started a long distance relationship (much to her husband's displeasure).
So, Sleep started cybersexing with Sanguin, without her husband's blessing. This is cheating.

Here's where I come in. I met him, fell incredibly hard.
Did Sanguin also fall for you hard? How committed is he to his relationship with you?

I met her virtually, and tried to help her husband (via email) come to terms with polyamoury.

We failed to convert her husband (which I'm hardly surprised at, since he entered it as a mono relationship, and had little choice in the opening of it), and she (and Z) moved in with another man (and his wife and son) she's seeing in this area.
She and her husband broke up because she was cheating. So, then she got involved with a poly man and moved cross country back to where Sanguin lives, to live with her new bf, and be near Sanguin, your bf. While barely knowing her new bf?

This arrangement has proved hard, as the other people in the house expect her to do all the cooking, and to help with their child, but are unwilling (and sometimes unable) to help her with anything. It's not like she doesn't have a full time job, either.
I wonder about this. Why can't she properly negotiate shared household responsibilities? Also, it's always a bad idea to move in with a new partner when you've barely met irl... heck, even if you have a local partner, it's a good idea to wait a year to move in together, until NRE has passed and you see the real person behind the "ideal" we all present at the beginning.

Which brings about the situation that's bothering me. She has suggested that she should move in with Sanguinist. She's been dropping hints for months. The problem there is that I do not live alone, and his house is a very small one. I am afraid that her moving in with him will eliminate any alone time he and I might have. I can hardly ask her to take a small child somewhere overnight so that I can sleep over.
So now she is looking for another man she can charm into letting her squat with him. Sheesh.

Can someone tell me that this will work out, that some similar arrangement worked out for you? I know it's likely an irrational fear, but I'm afraid she's trying to get rid of me. (And sadly, I have a basis for this fear in another relationship that all but ended when someone else moved in with him.)
I'd say you're right to be afraid. She sounds like a drama vortex. Fucked up her marriage because she was cheating. Seems to be an unwelcome guest in her new bf's house, where she can't negotiate basic things like housework. Now wants to move into a tiny house with Sanguin, along with her child.

As for her marriage, what I hear is that he knew from the beginning that she had been poly, and this made him feel less than secure about being able to satisfy her, both emotionally and sexually. She agreed to be mono, but apparently edited her marriage vows to not include anything about being exclusive.
Then, after the kid was born, she suddenly needed other people in her life, and without negotiation, she found some people online and started "dating" them.
This isn't poly. Dating others without first negotiating it properly with one's primary is cheating, not poly. Also, she's probably been neglecting her child while out dating this or that person (or just fucking them, as your use of quotes around the word dating seems to imply). Sounds like she has a very weak moral compass. Why doesn't Sanguin see this and feel turned off?

From what I've seen of her relationship with Sanguinist, she demands attention a lot- he even asked me at one point if I could "be the sane one" for a while, because he couldn't handle any more drama than what he was getting from her. Not that needing attention is bad, but he's always exhausted after he talks to her- even when she's had a good day.
Ugh, that sounds unpleasant. Why is Sanguin so deeply involved with her if she's so much trouble?

I should mention that he's aware of my concerns, and tells me he does not intend to have her move in unless there's a plan for these things to work out. I trust him to stick to that, I'm just really nervous that something will come up to destroy that plan.
Well, it sounds like he's a guy who can't say no. Why doesn't she just get her own place, or get in a house with roommates she is not fucking, for a change? It sounds like any plans he made about house sharing with her, she would agree to, only on the surface, until she just went ahead and did whatever she felt like anyway!

Adding in her supposed sub nature... bleh. She sounds like a master manipulator to me, from hearing what little you've said. Flitting from man to man, with her poor toddler in tow. Her refusal to meet you, and trouble making friends with women in general, is part of the unease as well.

Trouble with a capital T!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Seeing Kahlo (polyish, M, 45)
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom/bf for 3+ years
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