View Single Post
Old 10-17-2011, 11:23 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Letting my ignorance show here, but wouldn't your Wiccan friends be at least poly-friendly if not necessarily poly-practicing? [Assumption on my part here: that you've got Wiccan friends and aren't isolated in that way, as well...]

I'm sorry to read that you're doubting the future of your marriage to your wife.
I fear sometimes that going poly is a way of just bargaining with the inevitable, that we're doomed.
And I take heart from the following:
we both feel like we would lose something irreparable if we gave each other up as family.
There's something that I keep repeating on this board: Polyamory isn't [just, or even mostly] about Sex, it's about Love. RedPepper's suggestion to try swinging might work, but that solution implies (to me) that your wife would be saying: "I can understand that you want/need sex and I can't give it [as much as you'd like] to you, so it's OK for you to look for that elsewhere... but make sure that you don't get emotionally involved with anybody else!" Personally, I couldn't accept this condition: I'd prefer to forego on the sex than restrict it to the purely physical.

So why should you give up on your relationship with your wife??? Are
We are the first lesbian marriage most of our family have ever experienced, and her family are so good to me
the ONLY reasons
that we both feel like we would lose something irreparable if we gave each other up as family
? Are you really staying together because of having to prove that lesbianism is viable long-term and because of wanting to retain the warmth of her family towards you? [If so, it WOULD be healthier, more honest, to call it quits.] But I read that you and your wife still love each other, are "good partners to one another", so I think that what's keeping you together is more than how other people see you. After all, you've stayed together for 5 years after the sex went cold, so...

I have several questions, considerations to put to you:

a) How's your wife going to feel if you split? I can imagine her feeling: "Well, I'm not good for sex, so I'm unloveable." I'm not saying that this consideration should keep you with her (out of pity or a sense of responsibility), but it leads to the next question:

b) Do you REALLY love her? Because
i) if you do, why do you consider splitting up?
ii) if you don't, are you maybe using her asexuality as an excuse to get out of a relationship where the love has gone?

c) She wants you to be discreet. You YOURSELF "don't want to be gossipped about". You're worrying about
how or whether to 'come out' when I'm ready to do that.
[I added the underlining there.] This is cliché advice, but well, why DON'T you cross that bridge when you come to it? Why borrow tomorrow's worries when you're going to be dealing with other [heavy] stuff now?

d) She's making a brave step, allowing you to have (an)other partner(s). Sounds like a caring, as well as brave, person. Maybe she'll be brave enough [when the time comes] to come out about your poly situation.

e) If we go back to my premise about polyamory being more about Love than about Sex, she might become interested in another [asexual but deeply emotional] relationship for herself. How would you feel about that? Because if you couldn't deal with it, I think that you should give yourself a good look in the mirror. (I'm hoping that you'd be as fine about it as she's being with you on this.)

f [for "final point" - and "for now"]
we're letting go of what has died, but allowing things to be reborn in another form
and yet
my wife doesn't feel like being sexual with me (or anyone) any more, or rarely
[again, my underlining] Is she doing [rarely] something that's distasteful to her, for your sake? Or has her sexuality not quite disappeared? In which case, it's not dead and shouldn't be "let go".


I write all the above from the point of view of someone who has several times been the less-highly-sexed in a relationship that mattered a lot to me. You and/or your wife might be interested in my thread Polyamorous and celibate.

I really hope that it all works out for both of you (and whoever else becomes involved).

Reply With Quote