Thanks for your wishes, yesterday was great
Hm, where do I start … ?
First of all, yes you are right, me always being on the lookout for something to happen is self-fulfilling in a certain way. I know that there are things bound to happen, it would be strange if there was nothing going on behind the scenes at all. I just expected more of this and it was kind of frightening that the issues show up so rarely. Like: If we don't have all the small trouble on the way, maybe there is something mayor waiting for us in the long run. I know, I like to worry too much *mumbles* but I just want to make sure that nothing is able to steal this happiness from me.
At least my worry about 'being enough' wasn't made up out of thin air. One of the points I feared was that I won't be always in the mood for sex when my two men are. My own sex drive isn't as strong as theirs. This had lead to some arguments in the past between Sward and me, so I kind of anticipated this talk to come along with two men now more than ever. Don't misunderstand me, it never was a big issue, the discord between us didn't happen that often, but it was a point that was bound to change for the worst in this situation. Out of 5 times I would decline one, I guess. But multiplied by two and divided by half of the time this was at least kind of unpleasant for them.
When NRE is mixed into this equation one can guess that Sward got the short end of the stick. I am adjusting to two men in my life regularly at the moment and the one who had to endure the negative effects in regard to frequency was my husband. But because of some issues with jealously and uncertainty of the whole situation (which of course still plays a certain role in our dynamic at the moment) Sward got persistent of the sex-matter of all things. I felt pressured and it lead to an argument three days ago in the evening and morning, where I told him that I needed some time and space to achieve an equal handling for this. He suggested that he wouldn't initiate anything for a while and leave this entirely up to me for the moment. We arrived at an agreement with this.
But – that night, it was one of those I spend with Lin in the living room on the sofa - Sward walked in on me when I was lying there naked, cooling down a bit from some action with Lin (Lin went outside with the dog). This happened before and it wasn't a matter at that time, but now it wasn't the best to happen in this situation. He didn't say much, just “Gotta go to the toilette.”, kissed me on his way back and went to sleep. But it was obvious that it had hurt him. We didn't sleep well, I was unsure if I should go and see if he was alright and decided to stay, because … well I don't know. He can get defensive if one pressures him about something he hasn't already thought-out. He didn't sleep at all, went to visit his mother first thing the next morning and came back an hour later, when we got to talk in passing because I got to go to my job.
While I was gone, Lin and Sward talked this special matter out. When he came to pick me up he was in a better mood than before and we talked about what happened. We accepted that everyone needs to go through some adjustments at the moment, that we shouldn't put too much emphasis on all things, but that we need to keep up with some traditional things to make sure that not everything is changed at once.
This really is about the smallest things. Example: like leaving the door of the bathroom open when I am showering. The floor plan of our flat is kind of odd, the bathroom is right next to the kitchen and he and I tended to talk about our days and such when he prepared dinner and I showered. (Both rooms are ridiculously small btw, communication is easy ^.^' ) Or he came to me with a cup of coffee and talked about stuff. Because of the presence of Lin, I started to keep the door closed because I didn't feel too comfortable in rushing each part to the level where Sward and I have been. By doing so I changed Sward's and my routine. We will look out for the little things and make sure that we keep our old everyday life around the corner. Sward really needs some of these to feel at home and rest assured that not too much is changing at once.
It really was all we needed to do to get the things back on track.
The emphasis on sex went back and Sward admitted that he kind of used this unconsciously to connect with me because he felt disconnected because of the little changes Lin's presence caused for each of us. Lin isn't really troubled by this, because he and I didn't have 'a daily life' up to this point, therefore he gets integrated in our old one or the new one that forms itself now.
And then there was my birthday
Both of them thought of the exact same present for me. One saw it in a prospect, one when shopping and they agreed to get it for me: a heated neck-back-pack. It was perfect, one of the things they have to do often is massage my back and neck because I got tense again. (Sometimes of course, they do it because it feels good, too
) The evening before was filled with cuddling on the couch. It would have been my night with Sward but I requested a night with both of them and shoved his night one onwards. It was great. Midnight found me half asleep because it felt so cozy lying there, getting neck, back, feed and legs massaged and stroked and I dozed off. They woke me up on midnight, to eat some chocolate-cherry-cake and clink glasses.
My siblings prepared a birthday presents table for me he next morning and all came together to sing our birthday song (one that we use since we have been little and in kindergarden). I couldn't stop smiling all day because it felt so great. Life is just great at the moment and I hope it stays like this for a long, long while