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Old 10-16-2011, 07:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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I am sorry that your situation has lead you to the reality you see today... how it got there is not evident in your post, and really I don't think it matters. What matters is getting out of it. Please realize that my "firmness" in this is because I find that far too often others take a softer one and I am writing this to balance that.... I understand something of what you are going through, but I obviously can't understand entirely... I hope that you find some of what I say useful in terms of motivating you to make some well needed change in your life for ALL of you, but especially for your boys future and how he sees healthy successful relationships. He is our future after all. Why not make every effort to make sure he is a mentally healthy little guy.

I echo the thoughts of getting a lawyer and finding out what your rights are... If I were in your situation I would do that first. Get all the paper work sorted out, find a place to live if you need to leave right away and make a solid plan.

From your post I gather you love this woman, but you don't think she loves you... After making my plan I would then go about finding this out. By then I would have a plan to fall back on and there would be nothing to lose in finding out.... I would be asking her some straight up questions about what she wants for her future, what she wants for your child's future, what she sees as the future of your relationship. I would have a therapist lined up for her personally, for you personally and for both of you together. Then do some really HARD WORK and invite her to do the same....

As an absolute last resort, if she doesn't want to then I suggest telling her that you will move on to someone that you can find love with, will stay in the home with her and that she can do the same. Then I would divide my time between your private life and that of your child. Make sure you spend your own private quality time with him and that she have the same chance to do the same. Keeping it even in terms of time spent I think is very important for all.

Part of the best case scenario means that you would have to say good bye to the woman you have met and concentrate on your real life. She is not real life, your child and his mother are. It means you will have to be really strong and really together, her distraction in a physical sense I think will not be helpful. People who are your friends and are people you can talk to will be.... hence the therapist.

You can do this, people do this... you can live the life you need in happiness and personal success, but cheating is not the way to do it. That is my firm belief. To me its a cope out and a lazy way of living that leads to a deteriation in integrity, self worth and the basic trust of others that helps us feel safe in the world... not to mention what it does to kids. Your child will be fine in this, he is young enough to adjust easily if you and his mother can work something out TOGETHER... aim high for that. She loves him too and has every right to a life also.... hopefully she can see that and will be willing to empathize so you can get about making the most of this. You had something before with her... find it again or at least agree to something that works for all.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-16-2011 at 08:31 PM.
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