I'll try to answer a few questions, and maybe learn something in the process myself
Originally Posted by Danny40179
... You said that you are trying to be as open as you can be. What's holding you back from being completely open?
Also, what are some of your "issues". Once you have those out in the open it'll be easier for you to talk about them in particular so everyone can figure out how to make them better. ...
(little bits of text snipped to highlight questions)
well. Thinking about it, honestly the only thing keeping me from being 100% honest all the time is the fact that my husband's happiness is really, really important to me, and this relationship makes him happy. I know that he cares very deeply about my well-being, my comfort, and how I'm dealing with this, and that makes me feel good, as does the fact that he's told me repeatedly and reassuringly that he doesn't love me any less, we are solid and have been through so much together, I'm his best friend, and I don't have to worry about losing him or him suddenly finding her more important to him than he is..and that's good, no, great that he tells me that and wants to be totally sure that I know those things. On the other hand, I guess I'm not secure enough or evolved enough or what-have-you to not have a visceral reaction to knowing that he is in love with another person, and is sharing with her intimately those feelings that go along with sexuality when you love another person. I guess I'm jealous? I don't know...I have never had a problem with either of us having casual or friendly sexual encounters, and we have always been open in that way. I really like this girl who's become a part of our lives, though whether I would have chosen her for a partner I'm not sure. I enjoy sex with all three of us immensely.
So I guess what I'm saying is that what's keeping me from being 100% up-front is that I don't want to necessarily hold him back from what he's doing because that would make him unhappy, if I told him it felt like a knife in my heart when I hear him kiss her on the head and tell her he loves her. It actually physically hurts...I just never expected this, and that's one of the problems- he tells me he never planned this nor expected this (feelings developing for her in the way that they ahve) either. So then of course my mind goes to the worst possible scenario: "if you didn't expect to feel this way, and you do, and say that you can't help how you feel, what will happen NEXT that you don't expect? What if you start wanting her more than me? What if you decide you've had your time with me and that was great and all, but now you want a relationship with her only?" I mean, he has promised me that that will never ever happen, that I'm his wife & first love & family and he would never do that & doesn't want to hurt me at all. It doesn't help me either that she's very, very pretty, younger, thinner, etc and i know he finds her extremely hot & that their sex is really good. He *says* not like ours, it's nothing like what we have together...then why do I feel like this? I enjoy sex with people too...but emotionally, I'm a one-person person.
...I don't know. As you can see, I'm totally just walking around in the dark here trying to figure this out.
and what are some of my 'issues'? damn...I'll have to save that for another post, this is all I can handle at the moment.
thanks for listening.