Poly with problems
HI all, I have ended up here after a very difficult time in my life and having finally come to terms with who I am and what I want, having already had it and lost it because I didn't understand my feelings until it was to late.
I feel the need to tell this story and share with people who may understand rather than those who will just dismiss it as disgusting and wrong.
I live in Sheffield the UK, I am currently seeing a married woman who I am very much in Love with yet there used to be so much more.
about a year ago friends approached me and my then girlfriend X about possibly being involved in a cross couple poly relationship. It was something we had never ruled out of our relationship and we where both open minded individuals so after some long talks we decided to give it a shot. initially it was supposed to be a once a month sort of situation but we very quickly fell into a routine of seeing each other multipul times a week, at there house or ours. or going away for the weekends together. Everything seemed fine for a long time but problems began to surface when I perceived that X seemed to be a lot happier both physicaly and emotionally when with the other guy. Partly because we where growing apart due to various health issues and home life. she said repeatedly this wasn't the case but her actions spoke more to me than her words and soon I became jealous. Looking back this jealousy became all encompassing and actually blinded me to the amazing relationship we had with the other couple. There was so much Love about the 4 of us, and I forgot to look at the good parts, my girlfriend was so much happier I was the happiest Id been in my life yet I couldn't see it.
About a month ago I decided I needed to end it with them despite still having strong feelings for the other woman involved. I ended it and my girl friend immediatly left me blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues over the break up rather than the fact she could no longer see him.
People tell me its the loss I feel from losing X that makes me feel this way but in all honesty it isn't, after I forced us apart I realized the feelings I had for the other woman involved where much more than just strong. I had fallen in Love and had blinded my self to it. I had taken X from someone she and I cared about very much and had hurt them terribly. I stopped and finally thought about the times we had shared together as a 4 and realized I shouldn't have been jealous the times we all shared together where the best of my life.
Me and X are now seperated, she is now seeing the guy involved again and I am now seeing the other woman again. she makes me happy and I can accept the relationship as it is and for who I am. I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let 1 thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with X.
I am Poly I want it as part of my Life, yet I think I may struggle to find another partener like X that accepts this relationship the way it is.
I'm sorry for the way I refer to people as the guy and other woman I don't wish to use names.