Thread: Discovery!
View Single Post
Old 10-16-2011, 12:05 AM
Mac341's Avatar
Mac341 Mac341 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 8
Default Long responses. ~sigh~

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't understand the problem. Or what you're looking for. But I will say your idea that she must not be connected to you anymore, just because she sees someone else on same the day she sees you, is basically being a little rough on yourself. I have seen two guys in one day, and even though there were only a few hours in between didn't mean anythin, in teh sense that one was no longer special or part of me anymore. I still felt connected to one when I was with the other.
I am struggling to grok that my sense of immediate connectivity is actually quite different than hers and where I wouldn't dream, like in a million years of taking that intense energy to another partner, for her it's, at the bare minimum a non-issue.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And it can be quite a turn-on for both you and her, actually.
Her maybe, but like I said in the other post, I don't actually know for certain yet. As for me, I do hear the details of her time in a mixture of broad and detailed strokes and it's a compersion reaction rather than a turn on. I'm thrilled she's having a hot and happy time. I really am. She's getting needs met that we knew I couldn't meet because of my own wiring and interests and that's joyful.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think this is just something you need to get past by seeing what's underneath your gut reactions, rather than make a rule about it. Like how we would work through jealousy, step back and ask "what am I jealous of?" In this case, "What is this feeling of disconnection coming from?"
The connection is so energetic and so powerful for me, and I need to add spiritual here as well, that even when I walk away, it's like I'm still there. I go home, and I wrap myself in us; I bask in us. However, I have just discovered, last night, that once I leave there's no such lingering connection for her, at least not in a way which I can relate. For her:
When you walk out that door, you're gone.
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Keep drillling down to the basis of it.
Last night I kept coming back to the image of her washing me off of her and going off with someone else. She clings to me and I cherish that, I don't just dump her energy and our connection and go out with someone else, and that includes my primary guy with whom I reside. I have down time, I tend to sleep alone after date nights because it takes time for me to disconnect on that intimate level.

The fact that she doesn't linger over us the way I do, that she can just 'move on' has shocked the tar out of me.

I feel abandoned.

There's a reason for my outrage at her unwillingness to meet this need...

When I asked to meet the new person for coffee, you know just to touch base and make certain everything was going well for everyone involved, I was told "She doesn't want to." (I do know her actually, just not well.)

When I suggested that perhaps sometime in the not too distant future we could hang out as a group, for coffee or some such thing, the gal flatly said no because "They both wouldn't know how to act around me."

Yet... When the gal said, hey, seeing you two nights a week and fitting in the new person is leaving me with no time for myself, time to see her and tired, can we go to once a week?

I said yes.

Given that now I only see her once a week and I only sleep over with my gal twice a month, asking for those two Saturdays for her not to have a date, seems reasonable to me; especially given the strength and abruptness of my newly discovered reaction. Instead, she's angry at me and "needs space to think." It's not like I feel this way on purpose and if I could blow it off, obviously I would.

As it appears that my feelings suddenly don't matter, I resent giving up my second date a week with her. She begged for that second date a week and we worked out a nice balanced schedule and were sticking to it. Then she suddenly needed that time for someone else. I gave it over, gladly, (at least I thought , now I resent it deeply) because she was at least getting a need met and that was important to me.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Making a rule will impact their relationship, and since the other person has a limited schedule, that's might not be do-able.
One of this new person's requirements is: Whomever she dates must also be in another another relationship. She's very busy and is also dating someone else and doesn't have time to be anyone's primary.

Their dynamic has impacted my relationship with my gal. I gave it, so she could get a need met, that I couldn't provide. Now, when a little give back is sought, I get anger from my gal. Her anger feels like my need of sleep space is less important because it impacts her relationship with the other person. Her new relationship deeply impacted our dynamic, as the newly minted "only one date per week" proves. I just gave up four dates a month because of the other relationship. I'm asking for two specific days back. I'm being told I'm being unfair because that impacts their dynamic... It not ironic when it is so blatantly unfair.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
See if you can let her manage her relationships and her own schedule and you just relax and trust, and try to examine whatever comes up for you in the process. Being with two people in a day is not a crisis, but if you feel not taken care of, then voice your concerns.
I did, and see where it got me?

Last edited by redpepper; 10-16-2011 at 05:12 AM.
Reply With Quote