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Old 10-15-2011, 07:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Cindie, she said he's the first guy who ever made her cum. I can see why that would lead to attachment. He must have good oral and fingering skills...
Oh, yeah, sorry i forgot that part. Still, Cranberry, I would hazard a guess that it isn't really emotional attachment. It's just a lusty, sexual thing, centered on your physical desire for him. Why do I say that? Because would you really be emotionally attached to someone who treats you this way? Remember, it isn't just the wife that treats you like shit. He allows it, so he's just as much a culprit as she is. And you allow it, as Annabel wrote in her post above. You have subjected yourself to their shitty treatment and then you call her a bitch.

You know, back in June you came here and started a discussion thread. In it you said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I am concerned that I might not be entering the relationship for the best reasons. I have a feeling that the reason I am so open now to something I wouldn't have considered before is that my personal life is lacking and I am vulnerable and lonely. My family has pretty much fallen apart recently and I had been feeling rather orphaned and alone and unwanted...this couple seems to be filling some of those voids but is that healthy?
People here cautioned you against getting involved when your life was falling apart. Someone said they feared you might become dependent. Others told you to stay aware and make sure you take care of yourself.

You also wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Originally, it was supposed to just be sexual but we have gone beyond that.

I have been involved in a series of cold, meaningless sexual relationships with men who were uncaring and indifferent to me. Sadly, because of this, I was surprised when after our last encounter, they talked to me and hugged me. It felt so foreign...and good.
This makes me so sad, that your experiences have been so bereft of affection and caring that they hugged you and you thought that meant it was more than just sex. I hope you can see now that it wasn't.

Then in August, you started another thread where you expressed frustration with not being able to call him or have sex with him, and how controlling she was. They even had the audacity to ask that you not be with anyone else in exchange for the dubious title of "girlfriend," which turned out to mean nothing. You stated:
Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
She has asked me To go on dates with them and just with him, which hasn't happened yet . . . And if I am going to be not dating or banging anybody else, seems like they would step up to fill the positions . . . Is it possible that I am misunderstanding what "girlfriend" means? Maybe I assume it meant more...but do some people/couples in the poly community use that term for just an exclusive sexual partner?
You were confused. Just about everyone on that thread advised you to step up, stand up for yourself, ask questions of them to get clear on things, and to state what you want.

SourGirl said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
You will need to talk to them both directly and tell them your take on what polyamory is, and what you want out of the deal.

Also,..please remember, it is ok NOT to be negotiable on some things. When someone says to you, ' We don`t want you to have sex with other men.' Yet, you cant have sex with THAT man either, it is your REASONABLE RIGHT to state ; " I respect that you are not ready to share your husband in that way yet, however, I will share my body where I please. I will however, make sure to keep sex safe, and be true to all parties.'

You don`t have to 'ask' permission from anyone, to control your decisions about your own body.
You responded with "I don't want to be mistreated and won't tolerate it." Then later, your last post in that thread ended with "Done with poly." After that, you started another thread last month looking for advice on finding ways to heal from your past sexual abuse. You said you were "struggling and drowning here."

Quite frankly, it caught me by surprise that now, two months after you said you were "done with poly," you are still with these people. I had thought you ended it with them and were looking for some kind of therapy/support system to handle your traumatic past. I think you should be very concerned that you continued to accept what little crumbs they threw your way. You deserve so much more, sweetie!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
But lots of guys do! Plus, you could get intercourse as well. My lovers always make sure I cum a bunch before getting their jollies. Well, my Os are a large part of their jollies.
Yes, there are guys out there who are kind, caring, AND generous lovers. Just because this schmuck gave you your first orgasm doesn't mean he deserves an elevated place in your life, especially since he doesn't do anything else that's good and decent for you. He doesn't deserve you.

You need to work on YOU first. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is walk away from these fuckers and find a supportive network of friends, take part in activities that boost your self-esteem, and see if you can find some type of counseling. Forget about sex and relationships for awhile, until you get your head back on straight. Sometimes you can find low-cost or free therapy through local agencies or churches. I had suggested you look into Al Anon and the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse organization. Please do something. Take a step in the right direction.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-15-2011 at 07:31 PM.
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