Thread: I need advice
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Old 10-31-2009, 06:17 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default Sorry to hear about your trouble

Riunin,

You've been given some solid advice and hard questions to ask yourself by the other members here.. I just have a couple of things to add that may or may not help.

First thing is- I think it's hard for anyone to wrap their minds around polyamory when first exposed to it- whether you come to the decision mutually or separately or not at all, as may turn out to be the case for you. It's not for everyone, and that's okay.

The following thoughts are applicable only if you want to try and understand, try to stay in the relationship and allow your girlfriend to be who she is- but if this is not who you are, then that's that- it's not a question of you making her understand how you feel, it's a question of you getting clear on how you feel and communicating it to her, and vice versa.

As in any relationship, all parties have to be comfortable with the terms and be able to communicate boundaries and feelings from a place of knowing their own minds. If the two of you want different things, you may have to let her go. I'm sure you know it would do no good for one or both of you to pretend to be someone else in order to cling to the relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riunin View Post
She makes me feel special, for the first time in my life there's someone who cares about me, craves me, wants to be me, but now she wants to be with someone else too.
I'm going to assume you meant "wants to be with me". From what you said it seems as if you've not had a lot of experience with healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. I can see how trying to grapple with something as complicated as polyamory, which requires some pretty sophisticated communication and negotiation, would seem out of your range. I am not saying you can't do it, but if you don't want to/aren't there yet, forcing it because you want to hold on to this first good experience with another will be disastrous.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riunin View Post
To imagine her with someone else hurts me more than I can describe, it's just not how things work in my little world. But I want her to be happy, I need her to, I'd gladly go along with it, through the pain and jealousy if it weren't for my fear that I'll push us apart. Push her onto her new girl and eventually ruin our relationship.
You are imagining outcomes. This statement says to me that you are looking for an excuse instead of facing the issue at hand. Remember, you have the choice to ask for what you need, and if your partner does not have it to give to you, then you need to be brave and move on, for your own benefit, because you want to love yourself, have to love yourself first. If you do, in fact, feel strong enough to tackle your jealousy, then you will need to do that one step at a time, and yes, it will be painful. You are the only one who can decide what is best for you. The relationship between your gf and her gf is a separate relationship. You are only responsible for your own relationship with her. You only have the power to control your own behavior and choices.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riunin View Post
I don't know what to do. I wish I could make her understand the way I see things, or that she were monoamorous like me, or that I were polyamorous like her. But then she wouldn't be her or I wouldn't be me.
I like your using "monoamourous" ! I've never seen that word before, but I like it better than monogamous.

If you have already drawn this line in the sand, my friend, than I don't know what you're asking her or us to understand.

To me there is a contradiction in your post- you respect the fact that she is polyamorous, don't want to change her, and don't want to lose her, and yet it seems like you are focusing on the things that separate you rather than the things that bond you.

My suggestion to you is that you read as much as you can on this forum about how other people deal with these issues, talk and talk and talk with your gf, and ultimately, you have to decide whether this relationship is healthy for you or not. You have to be willing to be open to the hurt that you are feeling and examine it to determine how you can grow in this situation.

You have to think about yourself and your own emotional health first. If you are staying in this situation out of fear of losing her, then you are doing yourself dirty.

I wish you all the best.
-R
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