I have wondered if it's better for kinksters to look for people who broadcast being a Dom, Sub, or whatever they're into, OR to take a chance with getting to know someone who considers themselves vanilla and just incorporate kinky stuff into the sex you have once there's a relationship established. I mean, given a choice between a relationship that is founded upon kinky sex, or a relationship that is founded on caring and healthy communication, to which kinky sex is added, I think I'd rather have the latter.
For example, I would not ID as kinky, nor go looking for partners in the BDSM community. I just consider myself someone who will take part in a few kink-ish things to keep sex spicy, but I highly doubt I'd ever find myself in a dungeon doing kinky shit in front of other people (I have thought about going just to watch, out of curiosity, though). That doesn't mean I only have missionary sex for ten minutes, though! Au contraire! Last lover I was with (very vanilla guy) a week ago, I asked him to slap me in the face and he did it a few times. It obviously was new to him and it was exciting to both of us. Last night while we were fucking and he was on top, he slapped me without being asked, and it was completely unexpected for me! I got so turned on.
So, Ray, I guess my point is don't limit yourself in dating and relationships. Vanillas can be trained.