Hands UP... Wheeee!
Sooo... first off, a big "hi" and a wave. I've been reading for a while and figure that maybe I ought to toss out an intro of my own and just thank you all for providing some good food for thought.
My current situation: in the process of a divorce, in a relationship with an old, dear friend, who has recently identified himself as Poly (and really, probably has been his entire life), who is involved in a relationship with another friend of ours, who introduced him to the concept of Poly as a legitimate choice. Me? I have identified myself more as "Mono" although I have always enjoyed close friendships with other guys... or people in general.
(Apologies - I know it's long, but it kind of explains where I'm coming from in all this, and all the other emotional BS going on in our lives…)
My guy and I ended up reconnecting a few years back after a zillion years out of high school... realized we both had crushes on each other back in the day, and never acted on them (not so much the "one that got away" as "the one that never was"), and became extremely close friends. We were both married, with issues in our respective marriages, and we ended up starting our relationship as more of an escape from our respective situations - we had each other to cling to, we never expected to have anything "real", and it helped offset the issues at home. I suppose you could classify it as more of an "emotional" affair, but realistically, I would still classify it as an affair. He and his other love were getting close around this time too, and she introduced him to the concept of Poly.
Which was all fine until escape and reality collided. He got divorced, and in the ensuing rediscovery of who *he* was, I was still in *my* situation, and our relationship got strained - I clung a bit too hard to avoid losing what I had with him, but still being married, I knew I couldn't provide him with a real relationship - what a damn mess THAT became. I kept thrashing, emotionally, and it was affecting their relationship too, which just led to more guilt on my part.
So, I finally had to pull back and say "enough is enough" - I needed to figure out if my marriage could be saved or not - stand or fall on its own - and pulled away from my other relationship to do so. He and his other love moved forward in that time. I never honestly expected to be back.
But… after telling me to "not give up" - to "keep going", hubby came downstairs and said HE was done. That was that. Which is probably for the best, since I think his motivation was to keep it together for the kids - our relationship hadn't been a priority in years.
SO… I'm now officially separated, working through a divorce with two kids and trying to figure that all out. Rebuilding my other relationship again with the both of them, and trying to reconcile being in a Poly relationship from a Mono mindset through all the other emotional stuff.
Whee! Hands UP on the roller coaster!
My major issues - I can understand loving more than one person. Hell, I do it too. But time and space are two things that are inherently either/or. I've recently found out that his other love and he are planning to move in together at some point in the future (no idea when, really - one year, five? who knows?), and that caused me no small amount of angst. "If he has her to go home to every night, he won't need me…" That type of thing. I've definitely had the feelings of it being a "competition" at times (not for anything she has done, BTW) and I have a HUGE fear of loss.
I'm working on that. A LOT of talking, a LOT of reassurances on his part, and honestly, some recognition that I'm a bit damaged right now due to the rest of my circumstances and might need some extra hand-holding. It's led to talk of "the future" that I would probably not be ready for in a "traditional" relationship, but we had to address it.
My friend / his other love? She has been nothing but understanding and wonderful through all of this. I lucked out there. We all did, I guess. :-)
So I read all the newbie posts and glean what I can from your advice. I may end up having some questions of my own at some point, but maybe never will… we'll see. But I want to thank you for all the advice you're giving others, and just want to let you know that there's at least one lurker out there who appreciates it all silently. :-)