I thought I would start a blog about my life post-Beloved. Right now, it's going to be a sad, remorseful, and angry blog. 'This too shall pass' is what I've been told about difficult times and it's true. I guess eventually it will change into something else but that seems so far away right now.
So I guess I will update. Beloved and I broke up on Sept. 26th. She visited me at the end of August and I thought it was a good visit. But she told me in early September that she did not feel we were connected anymore, that we weren't really partners anymore. I visited her in May and she said she did not feel connected then either which was news to me. We agreed to work on our connection, figure out what being partners meant to us and if we could continue being married.
Beloved and I broke up several years ago, mostly over her wanting children and my complete lack of desire to be a parent. We were apart for almost 2 years and after I moved back to where I grew up, we got back together. Our sexual relationship never really went back to what it was before our first breakup.
I lost all desire shortly after she moved in with me - not just for her but towards everyone. I didn't feel any need to masturbate. I had no desire at all, no interest in sex. I still believe that I was going through some major hormonal changes - I was entering my late 30s and I was overweight and pre-diabetic. Her high sex drive didn't change.
But I realize now that there were other factors in my lack of desire. I never really regained full trust in Beloved - that she would stay. So I held back part of myself and I feel that contributed to my lack of desire. Also, we had a dynamic between us where she was very invested in taking care of me, and I let her - to a degree that was harmful. It became more maternal and that drained sexual tension away for me. I didn't understand this at the time. She wanted me to get counseling and I really didn't want to, because I thought it was all physical and, now I realize, I didn't want to face some painful issues. I failed her at that point. Not going to counseling over my lack of desire is one of my great regrets in life. It's one of the few things I wish I could do over in my life.