Part 2, the present temptation.
(Trucker Pete, thanks for sharing the Dan Savage articles/opinions. Personally I think marriage is over-rated and a vestige of the patriarchy. Less and less people are getting married as a result of our changing culture.)
So, the current situation. A man (I'll call him X) on ok cupid messaged me last week. He actually messaged me several times before I had a chance to reply, saying he liked my attitude towards gender (as well as my eclectic tastes in general). I am genderqueer and pansexual. His profile said he was looking for friends and penpals, not sexual partners.
So, his deal: married for 12 years to a conservative, vanilla woman. X IDs as a cross-dresser, 55% male, 45% female. He has always felt he's needed to hide this from his wife and all areas of his life. He has a lot of shame around it. However, he needs to express it, and would cross dress when working from home, just enjoying his feminine side.
His wife and he never had much sex to begin with. And when they did, it was boring and bland. It seems plain intercourse was all she wanted. When he asked for a certain act once, she recoiled in disgust. She has also mocked him from time to time for his sensitive nature and his enjoyment of cooking and cleaning.
Late last year she found a couple pix he'd taken of himself in a skirt on his computer. All hell broke loose. He told me she actually thought he was going to murder him and their 2 sons, just because he's a transvestite (ever notice all the murderous trannies depicted on TV and in movies? She thought they were all that way!!)
So, right now, X had been in therapy since January this year. His therapist is educated on transgender issues. The wife refuses to learn more about his gender ID and transgender in general. They went to a marriage counselor a few times, but the counselor was equally ignorant around trans issues. So, now the wife has taken a "head in the sand" attitude and sex has also completely stopped. He hasn't even had a hug or kiss from her all year, and is dying inside from body hunger.
So, imagine his joy at meeting me! Not only fine with his gender ID, but even attracted to it. Also certain sex acts he'd love to experience, I am also into.
We havent met yet but have a date set up for next week, as friends. I told him I refuse to be a band-aid for his marriage, and he is fine with that... he knows he needs to have some deep talks about their issues with his wife and either split or get her to agree to an open relationship. I know in my heart she'd be better off without him, so she'd be free to find a "manly man" that she desires. She just wants him to go back to the way he used to present, but of course, the barn door is open, the horse is out, and there's no going back.
Of course, I do not yet know him well enough to know whether he feels strong enough to assert himself and have the hard talks. Being trans can and does have a bad impact on one's self esteem in our culture, making one very shy and self effacing.
I know I could offer B lots of sexual healing and affirmation. He brings out my nurturing side. We have other things in common besides gender issues, he's real easy to talk to and so far, I like him a lot... I long to give him hugs and cuddles at least, poor guy. (Did I mention he is quite cute? Well, he is!)
sigh... But I have firmed up my poly principles since I had the thing with J. I've told my gf about this (she's a transwoman) and she says she doesnt take such a hard line... I guess her thoughts are similar to Dan Savage's, altho she IDs as poly as well. She just doesnt want me to get burnt, have my feelings hurt, as I sometimes did, by the conflicted feelings of the previous married guy, J.
OK, you can take away my poly membership card now. Go ahead and tell me to fuck off, RP, I don't give a shit.
<flame retardant suit>
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years