The long response.
I may have to do this in several part as it is long. My apologies.
@redpepper: Yes, he does feel guilty for the reasons you mentioned. And she has also broken his trust, faith and commitment to him. Iím a firm believer it takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two to really muck it up. The thing is, he IS listening to his gut. He has withdrawn all sexual affection with me.
Agreed, the marriage he is in is over. And yes, he is too chicken shit to consider some other options besides just sticking around and putting up with the misery.
He has attempted in the past to get her to go to counseling, with or without him, but she has refused.
@nycindie: His reasons for staying, in his words, are the kids. His wife has said she would leave if she found out he had a sexual relationship with someone. She would leave and go back to Japan as she has nothing else keeping her here in the US, and either take the kids or leave them with him. He wants neither of those things. He wants his children to have both their parents around.
I would like to gently encourage him to consider other options and the damage that his marriage may be causing his kids, etc. And of course I do not want nor need him to leave her for my sake. I want him to be happy, simply for his sake.
My husband has made attempts to be a friend to my bf. They share a similar hobby and my husband actually lent him stuff to encourage him to get back into the hobby. Unfortunately, my bf has extreme tunnel vision right now with regard to some work stuff and this is also a problem.
@TruckerPete: I agree that sometimes cheating is the least evil thing to do. In this particular situation the separation, if they split, wouldnít be miles, but literally continents. His unhappiness is not benefiting his family in anyway. I was hopeful in the beginning that the happiness he was gaining from our relationship would rub off on his family life. I even prepared myself for the possibility that things would eventually reconcile with he and his wife and he would not longer be able to be in romantic relationship with me. But, thus far, there does no appear to be any kind of rekindling of feelings between he and his wife, sadly.
I didnít indicate anything about the children earlier, but I will touch on it here a bit. Due to the Japanese culture, wife/mother is extremely controlling and I often hear about the battles between her and the older child and the general tension between mother and child. So, I believe the children are suffering but they may whether their parents are married or not.