@Minxxa-I'll look into that, see if i can't find a pdf somewhere that I can download or something, so I can at least get an idea of what's going on in the whole deal before I jump in and spend money on a counselor/therapist. I'm not sure I'll even find one that takes my insurance and is within travelling distance, but trying can't hurt, right?
The difference thing, that's probably just all in my head. If I have to go to the doc to fix some issue like a cold, or a broken leg, that's just the way things work, no big deal at all. People get injured and sick all the time. Going to the psych and getting put on meds makes you "that crazy guy with all those issues that no one wants to date". The prejudice is probably even present in me...I would be somewhat hesitant in dating someone who I knew had tons of issues from the get-go, but I'd at least give it the old college try. Maybe it won't be so bad though, one can only hope.
@BlackUnicorn-Yeah, she's said outright that she doesn't like this at all, that she's only doing this for me, so I'll have *something* of the things that I want...and this is just an assumption, but I'll probably get to enjoy this activity far less than my needs/wants dictate.
On the second part, yes, I do need and want sex with multiple partners. It was my thought that some polyamorous people were ok with this, IE the non-closed relationships, or polyfidelity couples or whichever is the best descriptor. What I would hope for in a relationship would be *freedom*. "You say the new girl at work is attracted to you? Go have fun with her dear, I love you. Be home for dinner, I'm making something good." A relationship, or something deeper and closer would of course require deeper questions and everyone getting to know one another, etc.
I am sort of willing to do anything, for a time at least, until I can stand no more, and yes, it's because I'm afraid to be alone. It sucks. If I were able to do otherwise, I would've stood up for myself and said just what I wanted, no matter the consequences.
Once, I was beyond this control scheme. Back when my ex-wife and I were sharing the custody and being nice to one another, I had a short stint where things were getting pretty serious with that other girl I mentioned, T. Ours was a ldr, but things were pretty ok, and there were plans for making it more, someday. She started talking the typical "I don't want to see you kissing or hugging or being affectionate with any other girl, or to know that you're with anyone other than me, because I'm jealous!" I stood up for myself then, at least somewhat. I was still afraid of her leaving, but I wanted what I wanted, and if she wasn't gonna be cool with the ideas laid out at the beginning, then so be it, we'd split up. That was pretty much what caused our breakup, actually, now that I think back on it. We still talk here and there, but it's nothing like it was.
Now though, my ex has filed for divorce. She has basically kidnapped the kids over a weekend visit, filed an order of protection on frivolous claims, and sued for main custody and tons of child support. She wants her nice little picket fence mono life and wants me to pay for it all and to start over with her new bf. So if I'm to have any hope of counteracting this, I have to stay with C, just to make it possible.
What would occur if she leaves, is that I would be an emotional wreck again, just like I was when my ex left, and that I wouldn't have anyone to help me with my kids, either financially, or all the stuff that a partner can help you with, you know, watching them, cooking, laundry, all the fun stuff that comes along with having kids. I'm gone 50+ hours of the week, so it's pretty hard for me to keep up with all that myself. Also, it's just nice having someone around, when you feel like talking, or sharing ideas that you might have had, or just anything.
I will give it a shot though, and look around and see if there's anyone available that can help me sort through my problems. Maybe they can help me unlearn some of my issues, without forcing me to unlearn that love is infinite and can be shared with many without consequences.
@AnnabelMore-I know, I'm just full of excuses lol. I'll try to be less so in the future. There are some things that have to be worked out before any of this with me can be worked on though.
@redpepper-Yeah, I know. It does look that way, and I wish I could change it. I know already in the back of my mind that I will have to, someday. I can't be controlled like this, I *have* to be free. I hear of guys and gals in poly/open relationships on certain other kink related websites all the time that have the freedom in their lives to do and be who they wish, and I wish I had that. Right now though, I guess I can't risk it. Kids have to come first. So I guess I'm in "make the best of a bad situation" mode right now? Can't think of a better option at the moment. Thank you for the help and encouragement though.
@Magdlyn-I thought, in the beginning, that she would never do this. She said that she too, was afraid of being alone, and thus wanted someone who would always be by her side. I could give her that. If there's one quality I have that's worth a damn, it's that I'm loyal to a fault. I try my level best to stick to my word, and stand by those I love. Now though, she says that "she loves me too much to ever see me with someone else touching them in the way I touch her..." so it seems like even my offer of eternal friendship if we couldn't find a way to work things out romantically will be rejected. It makes me a sad panda. We were and still are so very compatible on every single other thing. Well, that and abortion. But that's not really a issue that would directly affect us, as she is unable to have children in any case, so it was ok that we had differing opinions.
You guys are pretty cool. Thanks for chit-chatting with me.