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Old 10-13-2011, 11:12 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999

I'm going to preface this post by saying that I am not going to respond to any comments about why my opinion is wrong or awful. I have done a lot of soul-searching; this was my opinion before coming to this forum, and after reading many legitimate, logical arguments against cheating here and reading awful stories about people who have been cheated on, I have found that my opinion still has not changed.

I'm offering my opinion to the OP, but after finishing this post, I realized that her coworker should be the one reading it. Only he can make the best decision about what to do.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Cheating is not acceptable in a responsible/ethical poly relationship.
100% correct, full stop. In poly, cheating is not acceptable. He's a cheater, you're the other woman. Accept that this is not poly.

I have to say though, and this is something I've always felt, Dan Savage hits the nail on the freaking head. (No, I have not "always" known about Dan Savage, but when I heard him speak about this topic for the first time, it was like being hit by a train with the realization that I wasn't an awful person for feeling this.)

Sometimes, IN VERY RARE CASES, cheating is the least evil thing to do.

Originally Posted by Dan Savage
What kind of marriage is [a marriage without sex]? Why a dysfunctional one, of course, a marriage that's messy and unsatisfactory and complicated... and may still be worth preserving anyway. Yes, cheating is evil—but so is divorce and splitting up. There are times when cheating is the lesser evil. Not everyone is in a financial position to split up over sex. There may be kids involved. Should a couple together 30 or 40 years just pack it in because one person decides that he or she (it's usually she, though) isn't interested in sex anymore? Would it really be better for the couple—emotionally, financially—and their children and grandchildren if the husband tore apart their home, ended their marriage, and destroyed their finances?
And this question/answer. Please read the whole article, and I realize that the OP there seems to be intimating that there are performance issues with the man, but I still don't disagree with Dan. Here's a short quote from said article:

Originally Posted by Dan Savage
We live in a deeply sex-negative culture—which is why the spouse that wants to have sex is regarded as the "problem spouse" in a sexless marriage. Once everything has been tried, and everything has failed, we turn to the "problem spouse" and say, "Can't you just go without? Or, hey, maybe there's something you haven't tried yet?" We shift all responsibility for the problem onto the shoulders of the denied spouse—he or she hasn't thought about it enough, worked on it hard enough, tried every solution on our list. And if he or she has tried everything on the list, we add a few more things to the list. And then, in a final bid to prevent the lesser evil (cheating), we insist that the only reasonable, responsible thing to do is divorce your spouse before you seek sex elsewhere. And we do this because we know that most people don't want to divorce their spouses for sex. If they fall for this advice, they'll stay and stay miserable—forever.
I'm not saying you're justified; I'm not saying he meets the unique criteria that Dan sets out. Only HE knows this.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't see why he should stay. There isn't anything noble about hanging on to this marriage... just because. The kids certainly don't need to be raised in a household where the parents are so cold to each other.
I didn't interpret anything the OP said that would indicate the children are suffering aside from the sex problem. If he has a perfectly amazing relationship OTHER THAN the lack of sex, is divorce really the best option? If he has one need that isn't being met and she won't budge, but divorce would destroy them, then I have a really hard time saying that cheating is wrong. He needs to balance meeting his own sexual needs (and taking into account the chance his wife finds out), which may potentially allow him to be a better partner and father, against divorce and its definite consequences. (Those questions and statements are directed at the OP's coworker, not Indie.)

On an unrelated note, and also very good advice:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Has your husband met or gotten to know him, as well? He probably could use a good male friend, and male perspective, to help him through making tough decisions.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on my flame retardant suit.
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