I'm Not Stupid--So Why Can't I Be Smart?
I've been monogamously, heterosexually married for 10 years. A few years ago I identified and accepted that I am bi-sexual, and that a polyamorous lifestyle would work for me. I am interested in staying married and having both men and women as lovers.
My husband has consistently rejected polyamory, first with disgust and contempt, and now, 2 1/2 years later, with just the statement that it's impossible for him.
The past 6 months he has allowed a few threesomes, feels that even this is violating who he is, but that he is okay with it because 1) if we are with a woman together it is still in the context of the 'sacred union' of marriage and 2) he gets a benefit and still has some control.
I knew I was bi-sexual, but since having a threesome with a woman who is a good friend, I have realized how strongly I can feel sexually with a woman, and I want to have a lover, in particular her, but that's quite complicated because she lives with us (as a roommate).
My husband keeps repeating that it is impossible for him to be married to me if I have outside relationships. He has read "Opening Up". We have 3 children together, all under the age of 6 years old, and the thought of separating is awful. I love him, I want to be with him. I have been monogamous even while thinking about polyamory, except that six months ago I got drunk and cheated on him, which is not part of my value system and I do not want to happen again. I value honesty and not keeping secrets. I told him about what happened 2 days after it happened, and I have not seen or talked to the guys since (I did not know them before that night).
I just don't know if I can keep being monogamous. Right now, I want to be with my friend who lives in our house, and I know she wants to be with me, and the agony of not being able to fulfill that is tremendous for me. Beyond that, I don't want to betray myself by being with someone else when I have told my husband I won't, but I am so afraid that I will do it anyway, someday, somehow, even if it is not in this context. She will be living with us for the next few months--her leaving is not an option for at least 5 weeks, so even if she leaves I have to deal with this situation for a month.
So, advice welcomed on
1) How to deal with the current situation, for the next 5 weeks
2) I am pretty convinced that polyamory is for me, and scared that by trying to be monogamous so my husband and I will stay together that I will end up betraying myself and my husband (i.e. cheating). BUT I have not lived a polyamorous lifestyle, so I might be wrong, it might be too hard and not worth the trade-off of not being with my husband. Any insights?
3) Anyone have any experience with identifying as polyamorous but choosing monogamy because you love someone and want to be with them? Long-term?