On August 30 my significant other of a little over six and a half years left me. This means that I am 100% single. I am sure in time that I will see some great purpose to it and see how it was my fault and hers and be able to be philosophical about it.
Right now this isn't that time. Right now it just hurts. A lot. A few times since it has happened I have gone crazy. I haven't hurt anyone(including myself) but crazy, nonetheless. At the moment I am in the middle of one of my more lucid phases.
Right now I have an immense amount of anger. I know that I am depressed although I don't feel "sad" in the most strict sense of the word. There are many things I blame, chief among those things are myself. I was foolish enough to think that I could do poly effectively. I was stubborn enough to stick with it. I was dumb enough that I couldn't make it work.
I was hoping that my feelings about things would mellow a bit as the weeks passed at least in regards to polyamory as a lifestyle choice. That has not happened. The more time passes the more I see that all being poly was for me personally was just the hustle. Polyamory for me was being with someone and wanting to make it work so much that I was willing to be with other people to make up for the gaps that she wouldn't or couldn't fill. It was about being lonely, using people, or leaving someone that I loved more than anything else. Polyamory was for me, at a very deep level, about my own personal failure.
I think at this point there are only two ways I can think of that I would be involved in a polyamorous relationship in the future. Either a number of women would have to approach me at the same time to be in a relationship with them(such that I would go from single to a full dance card in one fell swoop) or the relationship would have the caveat that I would only be with the person until someone else came along that would have more bandwidth but had as a caveat that they would be monogamous. The first situation is unlikely in the extreme and the second would be hurtful to the other person.
I don't know for sure but I think that this will be my last hurrah here or, for that matter, on any poly forum. I have carefully gone through all of my online resources and unsubscribed from everything poly related that I once read. No more conferences, no more munches, no more talk of unicorns, primaries, secondaries, compersion, or anything like that. I will read the responses here and, if it fits, I'll post a response. However, once this thread fades in a few weeks I will set this account(like I have with the others) to not tell me when there is a new reply. And that, as far as I can see, will be that.
I have found a community of people who, though they are very nerdy, are kind, patient, and are not terribly interested in my past. I think, given time, that the unstable periods that are happening now will fade and eventually the wounds will turn into scars. That is ok. I have a number of scars. A few extra don't really matter all that much.
I wish I could say end this with some pithy bit of advice or wise expression but I can't. My experience is unique to me and I am fully aware that for most people polyamory means happiness, intimacy, and all sorts of really good stuff. I just remembered that I posted my story here and wanted the story of my poly experience, at least in one place, to have a beginning, a middle, and with this posting, an end.