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Old 10-12-2011, 07:00 PM
kateslove kateslove is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Somewhere in the Deep South but a California girl for life ....
Posts: 3
Default Evolving?

So much has transpired I am not sure where to begin. I will try to keep this short and refrain from writing a novel.

First I really need to thank nycindie for her stellar advice. Not only on my thread. Your wisdom on this forum is immense and I absolutely appreciate it. Morning Twilight you too have been a great help on my (short) journey ... I have read your threads and know your story and it is eerily familiar ... Thank you both for your time it was much appreciated. I know I seemingly dropped off of the forum (I have been here, just reading as much as possible). As I have said previously this stuff is hard for me to internalize. I have had to take breaks from it in order to function. It becomes overwhelming for me so I am sorry if my forum manners come across as rude. Sometimes I feel trapped in my own head.

Now, to get down to the issues at hand. Firstly my gentleman friend has cut all ties with me. I can only vacillate as to why. I believe it had to do with my need to cool things off while my husband and I tried to work through this. So when the texts, FB msgs/posts tapered off I think he decided to cut his losses and move on. I am at peace with his decision. I know that my situation is not easy and patience is a requirement. So yes it was a bit painful, but necessary for the time being.

Things on the home front have definitely mellowed during the last few weeks. I have been enjoying the kids and my hubby. I believe this "cooling off" period has been good for my self and my man. Polyamory discussions have subsided to nonexistence and things are going a long as if none of this ever happened.

I am frustrated. I have deprogrammed myself of all of the societal shit surrounding love, relationships and marriage. My idea of a fulfilling relationship has evolved into fulfilling relationships based on honesty and trust. I donít think this shift in thinking is going to change. At the same time I am beginning to realize that my husband is simply a mono guy. He has a hard time imagining me in intimate situations with people other than himself. The greatest fear for him though, is my becoming emotionally attached to someone other than him/leaving him. I think his biggest fear HAS indeed been realized (TWICE), and GUESS WHAT? Iím still here, I still love him as much as I did before I developed feelings for another person. However, when I brought up poly initially he continually said this would be easier if I didnít already have my eye on someone. Well now I donít and there has been no discussion Ö I have tried to engage him in conversation by suggesting an article I read. He did read the article and had very little to contribute.

I also found out that he was texting a former colleague in the last month and I am quite certain they share a mutual attraction for one another. We have moved to another state and are visiting our home state (where she resides) for a week in November, he made it very clear to her that he would make sure he makes time to see her while we are there Ö The failure to mention they were speaking felt like a game. Considering all that is going on I feel he should have shared this info. I also feel like he was trying to get back at me. This is by no means something I am going to dwell on, and I do forgive him Ö but if this is going to be indicative of the way he is going to handle things, it isnít going to work for me. I donít want to have to try and negotiate a web of deceit, or live with the paranoia that kind of bullshit can breed. This is exactly the reason I leveled with him in the first place dammit!

Lastly, I feel that if we donít find some kind of compromise in all of this it will be detrimental to the marriage. I love my husband very much. I want to raise my children in a committed partnership with him. I am fine with taking this very slowly. I know it isnít easy and I am willing to invest the time that is necessary to approach this in a healthy and honest manner. I feel I have made every attempt to show him that he and our children are definitely my top priority. I will not remain in a marriage that makes me feel resentful and I will not play the martyr role in our relationship. Our collective happiness should be the goal for both of us. I can squash these feelings all I want but these attractions and flirting will rear their heads again, itís only a matter of time Ö. Any advice???

Iíve also been wondering if I should move this thread as it goes far beyond a simple introduction? Please let me know if you think this may be helpful.
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