How did it make you feel to send the "I love you " message?
How about looking at her as another human that's suffering a lot guilt, and pain....erase the imaginary Hitler mustache or horns or whatever negative image you have ...and just see a human who fucked up bad. Trust me I know this isn't easy or might not be possible .
Maybe try little acts of kindness... ( like your message) maybe send her a message asking her if she'd like a hug ...a spooning nap.....ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING TALKING ... or talking about fucking ....bottom line nobody is allow to talk during the" little acts of kindness time"....very hard rule.....you might need the paint ball gun to enforce that rule.
These little acts of kindness might help you feel better ...slow some the anger down and break the cycle ...for her it might be a slight break from being on the defensive ...and give some hope to the future.
Just a couple of suggestions ....and to be honest I've been very unsuccessful in this.....so I'm not preaching.....or even saying I know what works ...because I clearly don't
Good luck D