Thanks, everyone! I really was worried I was going crazy and that I might not be seeing my own issues clearly--individual therapy will help with that.
Why I've stayed in the relationship: Since meeting her, I've been more energetic and happier than in recent years. I eat well and have lost 20 pounds. She's the first girlfriend I've ever had that likes most of the same intellectual things--we're both very specific and nerdy about our books and films. When we walk down the street holding hands, people come up to us and say "Nice to see a couple in love!" All of our friends and family members think we're perfect together. But as soon as we started arguing about the rules, everything went to shit. We still spend quality time together, but it's awkward for us to know that we haven't figured out where to go next, and rather than talk and risk having an argument, we end up going online separately or hanging out with friends. The "break" that we're on is supposed to help us avoid getting subsumed by NRE while also teaching full-time and living in separate cities--things will be easier to deal with on vacations and without any added stresses, at least that's the theory. What I do know is that I asked her not to add any new stresses, which she is unwilling or unable to do--she'll always see me as "acting the same" regardless of how many lovers she has.
AnnabelMore: the unsafe sex, then with me: yes, unfortunately. One of many things she told me after the fact.
BlackUnicorn: You said, "instead of coping with the now the talks focus on identifying past trauma"--is that bad? I thought figuring out why someone acts the way they do was the only thing that could happen before they developed coping. No? I know she had an abusive father whom she cannot ever please. Simply knowing this and admitting, as she has, that her need "not to be controlled by men" stems from this, has led her to the conclusion: "Everyone has Freudian anxieties about their parents. Everyone has Mommy or Daddy issues--I'm not special."
"One of the sure warning signs of PD is that the person is feeling reasonably fine whereas people around them are exhausted, depressed, afraid and avoidant." The things is, she is well loved by everyone! She's almost TOO attractive--mono couples end up agreeing to mess with her and then regret it once boundaries blur. She seems to fit the profile of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but then again my envy of /abandonment by her shows that I fit Borderline Personality Disorder in at least four or five ways--not a diagnosis, but at least sufficient reason NOT to pathologize either one of us--I will have to leave that to the professionals.