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Old 10-12-2011, 11:49 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
...how jealousy is unacceptable in a relationship (I have since been told by many polys that jealousy is normal--everyone has it sometimes).
Totally true. And I think in general, feelings are acceptable in a relationship. It's the actions and situations we can and should control.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
What is PD?
PD is short for Personality Disorder. They are deep-set and inflexible modes of behaviour, thought and feeling that are much more prevalent than "character quirks" and cause continuing and considerable difficulties in at least two areas of life.

Diagnosis of PD is a touchy subject, since most of them are actually just quite common characteristics on overdrive. It is not your job to diagnose her, but it might do you some good to research PD and keep this in mind when relating to her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
You said, "Eventually you'll start to see that simply standing up for yourself is abusive." My problem is that I can't distinguish between issues of my own and legitimate concerns--sometimes I'm right about her recklessness, other times she's right about my envy and feeling of exclusion. What's interesting is that she and her therapist have suggested that I am a potential abuser.
Individual therapy just for you is what will help you distinguish your issues from hers. I suggest you stop participating in couple's counseling or any any therapy sessions with her if you feel that she is taking control and defining the agenda. Instead get help for yourself. PD is sneaky and people suffering from it can turn social situations, including therapy sessions, to serve their dysfunction instead of helping them unlearn it. Some people with PD are in the therapy professions themselves.

People with PD often lack any experience of illness, and attribute their difficulties to other people's behaviour, not their own inflexible thinking. Therapy focuses on the individual, and often takes a very cursory account of people around the individual in therapy. One of the sure warning signs of PD is that the person is feeling reasonably fine whereas people around them are exhausted, depressed, afraid and avoidant. Some traditional forms of talk therapy may even make PD worse, especially if instead of coping with the now the talks focus on identifying past trauma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
I assume most poly couples periodically test their maturity level by doing some postponing?
Most people test their maturity level ALL THE TIME by postponing gratification out of consideration of the feelings of others or the real limits of the situation at hand. It's not a poly characteristic, it is an adult characteristic.

I'm still at loss as to why continue struggling and hurting, especially since you are not living or raising children together. What positive things is she adding to your life in such a degree that they outweigh all the negatives?
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