Thank you, BlackUnicorn. Caught the edit of her name.
To answer your questions, I don't know who initiated talks about polyamory--we had both discussed how trapped in monogamy we would feel and how jealousy is unacceptable in a relationship (I have since been told by many polys that jealousy is normal--everyone has it sometimes). Her primary motivation to try poly was to be "free of control," mine was to have both her (as a primary) and someone else in my city during the weekdays (we're three hours apart and see each other on weekends). The sex was just icing on the cake--I'm not that interested in having lots of wild sex, just some. I do want to try new things, threesomes being one of them.
What is PD? She does have abuse issues, which give her night terrors--thus the clonazepam/alcohol. But she's also a fully functional teacher who doesn't miss classes, crash cars, or black out--I'm hesitant to call her an alcoholic. She's bristles at the label. Someone has suggested she might be "functional alcoholic," but it's hard to say.
You said, "Eventually you'll start to see that simply standing up for yourself is abusive." My problem is that I can't distinguish between issues of my own and legitimate concerns--sometimes I'm right about her recklessness, other times she's right about my envy and feeling of exclusion. What's interesting is that she and her therapist have suggested that I am a potential abuser. So yes, it's already come to that.
Her "inability to postpone instant gratification" rings true--many thanks for this advice. I assume most poly couples periodically test their maturity level by doing some postponing? The book Opening Up discusses having an Alone Month, even, which appeals to me. Hell, I could use just one night with her not checking her emails constantly...
Guess this was crazier than I could even see--thanks again, BlackUnicorn