View Single Post
  #2  
Old 10-12-2011, 10:22 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
Hello, I am Giles.
Hello Giles!

My first instinct after reading your post is "Walk away. Now. While you still have some of your mental health intact".

It's of course easy to say since I am not in your situation, don't know your history or Violet's side of things (Btw, I think you slipped her real name once in your post, go edit!).

Still, this is some crazy shit, man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
Violet said she shuddered at words like “primary” and “boundaries,” but acknowledged the spirit of the agreement. What she feared was that the relationship could be hurt by my “abandonment issues,” my envy of her fantastic sex life.
Who initiated the poly/open talks? Whose needs/wants were not being met in monogamous relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
I envied this man because apparently any threesomes happening would be with him, not me.
So your primary motivation in opening up was to engage in threesomes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
When it was clear that Violet preferred one of them, the couple began to fight and cry. I told her to stop drinking for the evening so that the dust could clear. But an hour later, she was pouring another drink as the couple still fought directly behind her. So I did something horrendous. In my anger and frustration, I grabbed her drink, poured it into the toilet and threw it in the bathtub—it shattered loudly. Violet told me she was really scared of what I had done and said she felt that I would escalate this to hitting her.
Okay. I don't even know where to start with this. Violet has some MAJAH issues. Addiction to drama, strong belief in entitlement -> she sees, wants, takes, with no regard to anyone else. Aversion to any kind of limitations to her behaviour. Unresolved issues with abuse. It smacks of PD, but really, could be just a response to trauma. That's for an experienced therapist, not random people on the internet, to decide.

You need to take care of yourself, first. She is eating away your confidence in yourself - eventually you'll start to believe that simply standing up for yourself is abusive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
"...but the rules don’t seem to help our relationship. You’ll get upset either way.”
Actually, it's her inability to postpone instant gratification that is not helping your relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
It was then I realized that no matter what I did, she would simply see me as controlling.
Time to leave. Now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
Her answer was this: “You don’t see all that I do for you. I’m willing to show you off as my partner, on Facebook and in marriage, I’m willing to go on vacations with you and deny others the request for monogamy.”
This, and her earlier comments, are profound signs of emotional immaturity and lack of empathy. She honestly believes she is such hot stuff that you should just bask in the glory of her presence and be content?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
Do we have different definitions of polyamory? Would our “issues” break up any relationship, poly or not? What seems to be the root problem here? Her alcohol use? My envy, arguing, and slow processing speed? All of it? Are we both just narcissists?
Not you both. She might be. She is pursuing complete freedom to do anything she feels like, with no thought for anyone else. This is not polyamory, but selfishness and immaturity. That's the root problem - deep set patterns of thought and behaviour that she can't see anything wrong with.

The sooner you leave, the better. Really.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote