VC I am not going to get into the situation the two of you are dealing with, because you've gotten plenty of other input that you both have to wade through. I will however tell you this-a realization that did me very well.
When I met Karma 9 yrs ago, his friends, all of them, made sure to tell me I wasn't his type. At the time I had more of an athletic build from years of hockey and dance. I was goal oriented, knew what I wanted and did whatever it took to get it. I was not physically nor intellectually his type and they all made sure I was well aware. Karma never made a big deal over it, but it always stuck. When I got sick 3 yrs into things and gained 100 #'s in six months on hormone therapy, I was most certainly not his type. And again, while he worried over my health, he never made a big deal over it.
I always had it in my mind that I wasn't his type. That I wasn't what he wanted. When things got bad between us I was convinced the weight that never came off after the meds were stopped, was a large part of our issues. My once high self esteem was shattered.
As I emerged from the depression that brought on a lot of our issues, and I slowly relearned who I was, and we slowly rebuilt our marriage after years of lies and cheating, I asked him why he was with me. Why if I was so unlike his type, he had any interest in me at all. He told me that it was me he was drawn to and me he fell in love with, not my body. He said that when my confidence is high and I am fully myself, he couldn't deny the attraction that was there. He loves my athletic legs, knowing the power behind them ( for a martial artist I guess it makes sense that that is what he finds attractive). He loves the way I carry myself. He loves who I am as a person and how that light shines through me.
And with that, I began to love myself again. I began to find respect for the body that had so horribly betrayed me. Because with all the abuse it has taken, it is still carrying me through life. I began to no longer look at the negatives and instead at the positives.
And then I had the realization that put to rest the hurtful things said to me nine years ago. I may not be his type. I may not ever get my body back to what it was, and even then I may not be his type. But I am the woman that he asked to marry him. I am the woman he has stuck with through hell and back. I am the woman who gave opportunity after opportunity to leave and yet he chose to stay.
It seems to me, that I am more his type than anyone. It seems to me that to overlook the things that were once a young mans ideals, and find the things that that man loves more than anything else, makes me more his ideal than anyone could be.
Don't get hung up on what you're not and instead focus on what you are. You may not be his ideal body type, but ya know what, Karma isn't mine either. I always went after the football players, the hockey players, the chiseled farm boys and here I am more attracted to a skinny martial artist than any of the others. We are people, not types. We come in all sorts of packages and when love hits, we have no control over what package that love comes in.
And I lied, I will give a small bit of advice on the other situation. I will tell you that if Karma and I can make it through nine yrs of lies cheating, anyone can. As long as they are willing to be honest, and to forgive. And that forgiveness comes from both sides, you have to forgive yourself as much as he needs to forgive you. Right now the wounds are fresh, and they fucking hurt. You both need some time to lick the wounds and let them heal. Karma hated in when I told him I couldn't just get over it all. That I needed time. But time does heal.
I wish you both the best of luck.