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Old 10-11-2011, 09:50 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
By the way, were the prostitutes the creepy part of that? If so, why are they creepy in particular? As long as things like safer sex is practiced and you at least do *some* research, I'd imagine the risks are no worse than your average hookup at a local bar or what have you...
Don't know what sagency was referring to, but on my part, that bit stood out too.

1) It sounds controlling and dysfunctional as hell. Your gf would be calling all the shots, setting the stage, the time, and the script. She would be unhappy going along with it because she is unhappy with non-monogamy in general, and you would be unhappy going along with it because you are unhappy of being controlled in general.

2) It smacks of issues with sex, in that you are so needy of promiscuous (in the original meaning of the word, which I believe to be seeking out multiple sexual partners for the sake of having a constant flood of new sexual partness, to a point where erotic relationships that last a while grow stale and restlessness sets in) sex that you are willing to do ANYTHING, go with the most absurd scenarios, to cater to the two fears which consume your life; the fear of being alone and the fear of being controlled in some way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
On the last bit, maybe I just haven't had the right kind of relationships yet, but aren't *all* relationships based on one controlling the other, or swapping up for the driver's seat at times? In monogamy, it tends to be the whole "If you sleep with anyone else, I will leave you!" that I know so well. With someone else, it might be "if you can't get/keep a job, I'll leave you!" Any number of factors, but all leading to the same end of path. Do what I say, or I'm gone.
I would venture this is your fear talking. No, healthy relationships are not like that, be they mono or poly. Healthy relationships are based on negotiation, honest communication and respect for self and others. People cannot be controlled with the threat of one partner leaving if they truly and honestly believe that they will not die should their current relationship end. Feel enormously sad, hopeless and lost? Yes, but not actually perish.

In sum, in a healthy relationship, one partner does not use the threat of leaving, or violence, or suing for sole custody, to force the other partner to do something they wouldn't otherwise you. They just leave. Constantly bringing up the threat of leaving is a sign of emotional blackmail and violence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
"Go, and expose yourself to hotter fire for longer periods of time until you are immune to fire!"
Unlike fire, being single will. Not. Actually. Kill. You.

Really, it won't. And that's what exposure therapy is all about. Learning that even when you are faced with something you fear, you. Will. Survive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
A note to everyone, don't take my silliness as that I'm disregarding your advice or that I don't appreciate it. I do. I just...I dunno, I tend to act silly when serious subjects are invoked. Easier to work with, I guess.
Not at all. I'm not a person totally without a sense of humour, but I feel strong empathy towards your situation and want to help bring up the serious subjects.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
Probably best that I didn't. She would've walked out right then and there...
She would've have walked away, and then what? Really, what would have happened?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
I've done a (admittedly I'm probably way out of my depth) bit of research on the treatment for bpd and it seems like there really isn't much help to be had is why I walk around like "eh, onward, nothing to be done about this..." attitude.
This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You start to attribute everything you experience as difficult to your incurable disease, and in the end, it's not really you who is responsible for the stuff you do, it's the disease, and since it cannot be helped, you will just suffer till the end of your life.

Most behaviour, including thought patterns and emotional responses, is learned, and can thus be unlearned. Take the word of someone who is writing this from a shared laptop, and who three years ago was too anxious to be even in the same room with a computer.
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