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Old 10-11-2011, 07:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't think anyone should have to "suck it up" and tolerate unhappiness just because someone else might choose to feel hurt about something that is important to them. You won't be doing anyone any good to hide out, and sublimate your true wants and needs, as it could just lead to your feeling sorry for yourself -- which, in turn, leads to resentment and possibly more cheating.

And the thing that BU was referring to about triads not working, was mostly about the idea that you and Jean have to be involved with Danny together. The reason that these sorts of situations don't usually work out is because there is usually an expectation that everyone will all love and be attracted to each other equally. Couples come here and at other poly sites and gatherings, to go "unicorn hunting." They expect to "bring in a girl" to be their "third" and add zip to their marriage, like some random car part that is expected to make their car run better or something. Obviously, that is unrealistic. There are good, healthy, working triads, but it take a dose of realism to make them that way. From reading other people's stories, it just never (okay, very rarely) pops into place automatically or very easily.

Your situation could work, and I believe I said why. You already know Danny and are best friends with him. Furthermore, Jean has expressed some sort of interest or fantasy about his potential as a partner. BUT if that's not really something she wants, and it is something Danny and you want, then consider being in a Vee. That is where three people are connected but not all having sex with each other. You would be the hinge of the Vee, and Danny and Jean would be the arms.

It sounds like you're pretty unhappy and dissatisfied, but you would rather hurt yourself by staying that way than risk going for your own happiness and possibly hurting Jean. But really, if you're not happy now, what do you have to lose by asking for what you want?

Have you ever talked about your attraction to Danny with him?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-12-2011 at 06:30 AM.
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