Wow, so very many responses to reply back to
I've got my work cut out for me this morning, it seems :P I shall give it the old college try, provided my boss doesn't come hounding me to...actually do some work for a change, you know.
@MichelleZed-It really is kind of looking like that to me sometimes too. It just really startled me and hurt that she jumped into this so readily and when I explained to her what polyamory was and how a good realtionship could or should look like that she so readily agreed to it. Then to make a more or less complete reversal of the whole premise, well....
@Sagency-I know that I *can* get dates with other women, I've had a decent amount of girlfriends,fwb's, etc for a nerdy dude. It's just finding someone who's reasonably compatible that is the issue, or at least what it seems to be. They'll be interested in all my interests but wouldn't touch a poly relationship with a 10 ft. pole, or poly, but their interests and mine clash completely, or both things are good but they have some vastly annoying habit, or mental issue, or something. It's always something lol.
I agree that the only-when-I-say-so thing is controlling, as is the "Big Girlfriend IS watching you." issue. It wouldn't be out of the norm at all for a mono relationship, but I heard a poly person say once "When you(monogamous person) block my exit, the *only* thing I want IS the exit." That stuck with me, as it's often how I feel. You can love me and care for me as I will for you, but you CANNOT own me. I own me, no one else.
By the way, were the prostitutes the creepy part of that? If so, why are they creepy in particular? As long as things like safer sex is practiced and you at least do *some* research, I'd imagine the risks are no worse than your average hookup at a local bar or what have you. (note: probably talking out of my ass, I don't drink, or go to bars) I will try to reduce the amount of crazy though. This is a rough spot to do it from right now, but hopefully soon things will be better.
@BlackUnicorn-The first part, totally agree. No one can really know how poly is gonna strike them till they experience it firsthand, and this was her first exposure to the idea in a bf/gf context.
Depending on her financially might be a little strongly worded. I need her help right now because of the divorce with my ex-wife and trying to get my kids back and make it look like things are reasonably stable at my house...were it not for all the extra issues going on, I could take care of myself and my kids. I have a job, I make a decent enough salary I suppose for this area. I'm not a bum and depend on her for everything, I go out and work every day. I'm not trying to be all defensive, I just don't want you guys to get this idea that I'm like "sure girl, you can move in. Now, pay all my bills for me and let me sit back and watch tv!" :P
The password thing, I gave it to her because we were playing a facebook game together. Nearly all my passwords are the same and she needed to log into my fb account to help her on the game and I was being lazy at that second. So I was like "sure, here's my password, no big deal, not like you're gonna use it to spy on me or anything like that, right?"
She makes it a big deal that I have always had her passwords to her accounts and could look at anything I liked in them whether good or bad, about me or not. I don't though, because I don't really *want* to see what she's saying about me if she is. It's just an added source of stress I don't need. I've seen a few of her messages left up when I got home and they were complaining about me and saying "I don't know if I can do this anymore..." to a friend of hers when she was telling me the day before that things were great and we'd find a way to make things work. It bothered me some, but it wasn't world ending. I just thought it would be better to not know.
On the last bit, maybe I just haven't had the right kind of relationships yet, but aren't *all* relationships based on one controlling the other, or swapping up for the driver's seat at times? In monogamy, it tends to be the whole "If you sleep with anyone else, I will leave you!" that I know so well. With someone else, it might be "if you can't get/keep a job, I'll leave you!" Any number of factors, but all leading to the same end of path. Do what I say, or I'm gone.
The therapy thing, I've said I'm gonna go, and then I make plans to do so, and then there's a million reasons why I can't...not the first of which is that google tells me that there is really no cure for those with bpd. There's some help, sure, something along the lines of exposure therapy for people with phobias like "Go, and be alone, for longer and longer time periods until you're cured!" When I hear that, it's kinda funny. Take out the alone bit, and replace the issue with being burned by a fire. "Go, and expose yourself to hotter fire for longer periods of time until you are immune to fire!" Sorry. I really think I am funnier in my own head :P
A note to everyone, don't take my silliness as that I'm disregarding your advice or that I don't appreciate it. I do. I just...I dunno, I tend to act silly when serious subjects are invoked. Easier to work with, I guess.
@redpepper-I could totally see her doing the blackmail thing. She outright said when we were having one of our really big "I'm leaving you! No, please stay with me!" fights that "You have to consider, would you rather have all these outside people that are not going to stay with you forever and are all going to leave or break your heart, or the one person who will always be here for you and love you with all her heart and try her best to give you anything you want?" I was thinking, but could not say, "If you loved me, you would love all of me, and honor the terms set out in the beginning of this relationship, that we were not going to be exclusive partners, that our relationship would by necessity be of a polyamorous nature, etc..." Probably best that I didn't. She would've walked out right then and there...
The rest of your advice is good as well, I'm just not sure how to even implement it. I have my own place, it's my house that she moved into, not the other way around. She was living about 1 1/2 hours away in a little one bedroom apt with herself, a friend, the guy that was actually renting the apt and her four kids. I was trying to help her out by living with me, I had plenty of room at my house that wasn't being used, and I got an excellent gf out of the deal, I thought that was a pretty cool win/win for both of us.
So it'd be sort of hard to have my own place now, given that she's already there.
I have my own finances, but I just barely make enough to keep things afloat, and certainly not enough to hire a lawyer and pay for a divorce that's sure to be contested with two kids custody at stake. Their mother will fight me tooth and nail, don't you doubt. :P
I tend to be a stay at home and play video games and M:tg kinda guy in my off time, hence the lack of friends. So generally whatever I'm doing, she's right there with me. I don't want her to control me, true, but life is a long lonely road when there's literally *no one* that you can talk to, share interests with, etc. Thanks for the well wishes though
@Magdlyn-I hear ya. I have nearly all of those issues going, always have, as far back as I can remember, save the self harming and substance abuse. Never had any issues with those two at least. So mood stabilizers and anti anxiety meds would make me be monogamous? I don't know honestly, I'm just asking. I've never taken any psych meds, nor had any personal experience with those who have. If so, it might be something to bear in mind.
@Carma-It's not courage, it's more just a "just don't care and wish there wasn't so much wrong with me that I can't find the relationship I'm really looking for" type thing. I wish it was courage, then I could look all flashy for the ladies
Why hello there sexy girls, didn't notice you standing there... *does muscle poses for like 10 mins*
I've done a (admittedly I'm probably way out of my depth) bit of research on the treatment for bpd and it seems like there really isn't much help to be had is why I walk around like "eh, onward, nothing to be done about this..." attitude. I totally wish there was a magic pill that made all...this, whatever it is, go away.
Thank you for the vote of support, guess you guys/gals on the net is better than talking to no one at all.
@AnnabelMore-I'm very, very conflicted on this issue. I've thought of both of those solutions, and what they would mean for my life. They both lean towards me being mostly unhappy for all of my life, but I'm beginning to wonder if everyone isn't unhappy and just grins and bears it as best they can. Maybe that's just the way things are supposed to work...
As far as the friends thing, unfortunately, no. I have no friends, much less close ones. I had some, a long time ago, but they're long gone with the fading of high school days. Besides, this isn't something you could ask of a friend, I don't think. Not as a guy, anyway. I can say things to you guys, because we're all just voices talking in the darkness between electrons. Couldn't talk about any of this to someone who knows me, and could use it against me later. I can hear the simpsons style Nelson "HA-HA"s from here already at a guy who shows any weakness. This is the south, and all of us are supposed to be tough as nails and whatnot.
@everyone-Thank you all for your replys, and advice, and for, well, giving a damn. It's appreciated, much.
PS: If there are any edits needed to this post, please let me know, since I'm not a regular, I don't know all the rules/common things that are necessary to make the post easy to read and all.