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Old 10-11-2011, 04:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mara View Post
the last time J visited with us I only spent one hour alone with him. I slept in the same bed with saltandredpepper every night during J's visit. Although J did sleep with us one night. Before he came to visit SRP asked me to choose whether I wanted the relationship with J to be solo or to include him. I wanted to include SRP....

I really don't want to ask SRP to leave or encourage it because it seems selfish and rude to have a visitor in our home that makes him feel jealous, uncertain or insecure.

I love SRP and want our life together to be supporting, loving, and nurturing. We seemed to handle things pretty well when we were all together. I fret that if he goes off by himself he will not sleep.His complex feelings in coping with feelings of jealousy have brought on insomnia before.

I guess I need to let go of that.

Mara
Well, honey, just like maintaining a relationship with J is a way of looking after yourself, so is going out and giving you space a way for your hubs to look after himself. Don't worry if he's getting enough sleep or not; he's a big boy and I'm sure he will take care of himself. Making him stay around when he's struggling won't help. I am an insomniac myself; sometimes there's nothing that's gonna keep it from happening except for some drugs. But his needing space from your private time with J is more about taking care of himself emotionally/psychologically, and because of that, I'm sure he will sleep better.

In addition, if this is something you want to work, you will have to let go of the idea that you're being selfish. You are both choosing to have this, so stop that line of thought when it comes up.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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