Sundance and I have both been trying to fling blame on the other; each of us wants to be seen as "the victim" if we really do split (and have to explain it to others
). I'm trying to stop the circle, and say, "Hey, let's just be roommates for a while." Not make some big break-up decision, not tear the family apart. This has been such a wild roller-coaster ride for us, we need to just COAST for a while -- no rolls! No one's abandoning anyone, no one's leaving. No one's to blame for this, it's the course of our life, and we can look at some new "soulutions" (I loved that, Dinged
) and see what our possiblities are in the future. For now, I am hoping we can be decent to each other. Maybe not "best friends," but at least not stalking and pouncing on one another for everything. We've been HYPERsensitive. It's exhausting. I need to take my kids for a walk, without thinking of this shit all the time. Maybe play more board games as a family. Things that don't include: who said what, who lied, who loves who, who fucked who in what specific way.... There are so many little joys in life. I have lost sight of a lot of that.
My kids deserve better. The sun is shining today and there is too much to be grateful for; I can't sit around and mentally masturbate all day long! I just can't, for my own sanity. I'm trying to let go of the resentments, because they are eating me alive.