Originally Posted by saltandredpepper
She would like the two of us guys to be friends and allies and that is the biggest reason she would rather I didn't leave when he visits.
That makes sense, but really it doesn't matter too much what she wants when it comes to you getting through any discomfort you go through sharing your house for an extended time with a metamour. I don't know if you're having company again his time that would have her being with him while you sleep alone, or if you just want them to have time alone but don't want to sit twiddling your thumbs in the next room knowing they are right there, but if you will be the one alone with your thoughts and not her, it can be more selfish than loving to try to get you to stay there if you don't want to.
If you would be willing to stick around some to just say hi, have dinner, whatever, that might be a good compromise that would get some of her desires met - but only if you want to.
I would LOVE it if my boyfriend and husband desired a friendship, whether independent or hanging out all together, or with my bf's wife, etc. What I HAVE though, is a boyfriend who met my husband once for 5 minutes. Somehow they always manage to miss each other when he's leaving the house after a visit. My husband doesn't feel the need for more than that, and since he is gracious enough to coordinate his schedule to give us time alone here, it's his comfort level that matters more than any agenda I have to get the happy poly "family" of friendships I'd envisioned.
I'm glad writing your problems down has given you insight to realize that there's a bit of distance going on that needs to be addressed before it became a big problem!