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Old 10-11-2011, 04:44 AM
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veganchick veganchick is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 26

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Hey I'm on a roll offering unsolicited advice so I'ma keep on rolling.

I didn't get that. I also think Podunk is only as much of a victim as he chooses to be right now - his being hurt and sad is understandable, but he's not the victim of anything unless you're going to lie to him again. You seem to be trying to own your own shit. I will say that I think vowing to not be in contact with the people at the commune at all is a band-aid at best, because you weren't cheating, and labeling the people and space as "off limits" isn't really healthy, and it won't fix anything. Hopefully this is just temporary. I don't think having to fess up to a lot of people about your lies was cool at all. If they weren't intimate partners who had a say in your safe sex practices, it's not really any of their fucking business. I do wonder if it was your idea or if it was Podunk's idea in order to humiliate you a bit.
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
I wondered this too, and was going to comment about it on Podunk's thread. Whose idea was it for you to write to all your new commune friends to tell them you were a horrible person because you didn't tell your husband you gave Paul a blow-job? I hope I'm not being too frank here... why would they care? They'd only just met you.
This was initially suggested to me as a starting point for proving my remorse and beginning the process of restoring trust. I hoped that by showing him that I was willing to recount the same details with others who were familiar with my stay ( Paul, his wife, Paul's lover - Meghan, Bob and another man I met at the community who spent a lot of time discussing open relationships) that he would find security in knowing that they would respond with "the truth" if I was lying. Perhaps it was for embarrassment? I wondered aloud if I was only bringing more drama to the lives of those individuals who were only loosely involved at this point but I was (am) desperately to try to save my marriage. The honesty felt good, if nothing else.

Obviously the one thing Podunk is saying over and over again is that he does NOT feel that you are showing remorse. It seems apparent in your writing that you do, and you're trying to figure out the whys. I don't know if you've asked him what you can do to show him that you are sorry, but whatever you are doing isn't coming through as sincere as you said. But dropping pursuing other relationships, including continuing chatting with other interests, is always a good start.
I have already discussed with Paul and with Bob that I will be simplifying my emotional connections and that I will be stopping contact with them - as I am in need of focusing on my marriage. Podunk and I haven't been able to continue casual conversation well over the past week. Most topics lead to this. We have been sleeping separately since last Monday and spend most of our time at home in different rooms. I have taken over the bedroom and Podunk the living room. Our couch is wonderful but it's not a bed and after a while becomes painful. I offered our bed today and washed the sheets/comforters so that it was less of a "me space" and more of a comfortable clean space. I didn't realize that I still had a condom wrapper in my pillowcase. Eck. Here I was trying to do a nice thing and this happens. Garbage cans at the community I visited are not everywhere - this is a community that focuses on reusing, recycling and composting. I didn't initially know where to put the wrapper and then forgot it was there. God. I can't get anything right. I really should have paid more attention to that.

Maybe he expects you to act how HE would act if he was sorry, but of course if you don't know what that is, you can't show him you feel badly. If he is not being open to forgiving you now, I would not let him keep going over and over it, because it's not going to do anybody any good until you've both had some sleep and a chance to regroup. I don't see there is any reason for him to read any of your past correspondence anymore at this time regarding this issue.

I can imagine that if you said nothing happened with Paul, and then you talk about this AMAZING connection with Bob but say nothing happened there either, well how could his mind not go there and wonder if you were trustworthy at all. Maybe you lied too about that, maybe you had wild orgies all week and laughed at Podunk behind his back. I don't think any of that happened but that is what can haunt the mind of a person who finds out their trusted partner wasn't honest. It takes time to rebuild trust, and hopefully Podunk wants to take that time.

Sure your behavior was a bit shitty, but truth is, it seems very forgivable if he wants to forgive you. It seems while you work to figure out all the reasons you did what you did, and work on showing Podunk that you love him (and figure out how to show you are sorry without having to grovel), he needs to be working on how to love you as the imperfect person you are. His posts show he wavers back and forth, and I really hope you guys get the space and the sleep to be able to deal with this in a calm way. Really I would expect it to take at least a month or few to both feel calm and semi safe again, so hopefully you don't get too despairing if progress is slow.
I understand the pain and distrust. It's true that, at this point, it appears as if I'd just sleep with anyone. Especially the Bob scenario. It's not the truth but I can't fault the emotions. Time will tell if he can learn to trust me again. I have asked about ways to show remorse - I cry every day, can't eat...Podunk believes I do that out of self-pity, however, and not out of true understanding for the pain I caused him. I've been trying to explain that it's out of sorrow for the situation I put us in - for the pain he feels - for the loss of trust. Maybe I'm lying to myself? I plan to stick it out. I'm not sure how to know if he's going to forgive me? Should I know already? Knowing that this is a process and having you reiterate that is helpful.
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