The conversation Bob and I shared did not revolve only around sexuality – we discussed many things and I truly enjoyed his conversation. I considered asking if he'd like to share a bed (in a nonsexual but close and intimate human way) but backed out. I had started my cycle and felt uncomfortable taking things to that level. Afterall, I had just met him. But then we hugged goodnight. And sparks flew. I'd only ever had that type of experience with Podunk. There was a magnetic energy that I could feel. I felt myself fall in to his hug. I let out an involuntary sigh. He felt real! I spent much of the next 24 hours (and following weeks) thinking about him.
How did I feel such a connection with Bob after only 5 hours and feel so little with Paul? I had a million thoughts going through my head. I felt a little ashamed for having hoped that sexual acts might lead to attachment with Paul. I thought about these things during the six hour drive home. I was actually excited to tell Podunk about my connection with Bob. I shared every detail – including that I considered sharing a bed and, had the situation been different, possible sleeping with him. “He'll be amazed that I found that “energy”. It's such a rare thing! “ I thought to myself. I later received an email from Bob expressing that the feeling had been mutual. I shared all of this with Po and details of the emails that followed. Yet, my response about Paul was that “nothing happened”. I'd like to think that said that to mean “there was nothing there in comparison”. But, I likely bold-faced lied for several reasons – mostly linked to my selfishness and immaturity.
I'm still really trying to determine why I didn't just blurt out the details. Heck, I wasn't even being asked details. I wasn't asked anything at all and still felt compelled to say “nothing happened”. A couple of reasons circle around in my head as I try to determine how I could be so hurtful. Why would I be afraid to tell him if there wasn't the connection I was hoping for? Parts of me realizes I was a little bit embarrassed about diving in head first. I think I was a little nervous about sharing what felt a little bit like cheating – hedonistic rather than relationship building. I panicked. I didn't know where to begin. We had talked about not sharing details and I was afraid of saying too much. Hurting his feelings. I was also felt guilty that I had this opportunity and he was left at home to take care of the house/ kids. He also didn't have a romantic interest and I felt a little bad that I was exploring alone. Why didn't I feel that same guilt about not being truthful?! Probably because of some selfish need to remain “pure” in his eyes. I did feel like I wanted him to know. I was sharing bits very very slowly. It took me an entire week to admit to a kiss. And by not sharing more at that point – I essentially lied all over again. I did want him to know but struggled to let it all out. And then, the more I kept it secret, the harder it became to say. I was ashamed of trying to maintain some false image of my trip but didn't really think of the true repercussions of my actions. I think I let myself believe that it would be easier for him to accept if introduced slowly. Clearly a sign of marked immaturity on my end. Perhaps fueled by jealousy at his admission to wanting a wild time with Meghan,I let out that more happened. Part of me was relieved to share more but part of me was still extremely nervous about saying everything. So, I continued to give half-truths and lies and we dug in to a very deep and passionate conversation. This continued for days as Podunk has explained in his post. I am not proud of this in any way. Had I just been honest and given all of the details on my 3rd chance, many issues could have probably still be worked through. But, I didn't. And it is true that during all of this, I went to far as to blame him for not seeing past my lies and realizing that more happened. His accounts of our conversations are accurate. I continue being asked questions as if there are black and white answers. For some there are. For others, I am still working introspectively to understand. And now that I've lied, my answers do not come across as sincere anyway.