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Old 10-11-2011, 12:44 AM
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veganchick veganchick is offline
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The day I arrived, Paul and I hung out in my guest room chatting for an hour and then things got heavier. I didn't have this passionate intensity that I'd hoped I'd feel but I told myself that perhaps that would come over time. We made out heavily and slowly got naked. He was somewhat excited and I grabbed the protection that I brought. He immediately had difficulty performing. This was to be the norm for the first few days of my trip. I was starting to feel pretty insecure at this point – blaming my shape/body for his issues. Sex with Podunk is profoundly wonderful but I also do not have his preferred shape. I focused on oral sex (with the protection on and without). By mid-week, I was anxiously avoiding sexual situations. I was far more interested in actual conversations/hanging out/date-like stuff. But, Paul's commitment to his family made this difficult and I understood that. Besides, I was making new friends and happy to be at the commune- I went swimming, took long walks in the woods, stared at the sky while swinging in a hammock and volunteered at community work projects. I ate lunch and dinner with different people every day.

During my stay, Podunk was always positive and happy for me. On Facebook, he had several posts about how he missed me (and how he was filling my void with cookies). I was feeling guilty even though he wasn't trying to cause me that emotion. I wasn't sure what all was going to happen during my stay and thought that I avoided saying anything sexual about my trip to him on the phone. He remembers me saying nothing happened, though. I'm only now coming to realize how naïve I truly was about the situation. My relationship experience is limited and, much like a teenager, I figured that I could satisfy Paul's desires while building upon my own desire to find companionship. I felt a real void but was optimistic that we would start bonding emotionally any day. I just had to show him how nice it is to connect/chat/laugh/touch. I hoped that we could share a bed just one day. Not for sex but for cuddling and touch. But it wasn't happening. There was nothing there.

It wasn't really until my last hours at the community that I started to realize that maybe attraction/chemistry can be instant -that waiting for a deeper relationship for sparks to fly isn't always necessary or realistic. I met a guy who was staying as a visitor on my last night – we chatted until after 3am. We talked a little about my experiences there and how Paul and I hadn't even shared a bed for one night. This new guy, Bob, was a little stunned. I admitted that I was really looking for that kind of connection but that it did not seem to be Paul's agenda. I told him I was OK with it, though. I didn't have huge expectations. In reality, I was a little disappointed and felt reassured that someone else who had dabbled in polyamory shared my longing for connection. I had started to worry that perhaps I was really being “too needy”. Being clingy is definitely one of my flaws.
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