Reflections of a Liar
Many of you have read my husband, Podunk's, thread. I didn't want to hijack his posts/advice with my story. But, as I start to feel at a loss for how to rebuild our relationship, I decided it was possibly time for me to put my thoughts out there as well and ask for feedback and guidance. I won't just let this relationship go. I think our relationship is truly special - even if my actions tell a different story lately. This is long, as I have been writing and musing a lot lately. Sorry.
From the beginning of my relationship with my husband, we have discussed polyamory. We actively explored swinging from the start and had a relationship with a couple that was quite close to the type of relationship we were looking for. While it was something we'd been interested in exploring, we didn't devote much time seeking out new relationships. Our 6 years together have been so full of adventure, happiness, growth and love. We have a family and that is our top priority. We've both been amazed at how compatible we truly are – we share passions, dreams, goals, hobbies and an amazing sex life. Others would likely laugh at the thought that we would even seek other partners. We definitely have (had) the whole package.
Over the years. We had mused that it would be much easier to explore our interests in others in a communal setting. My husband had spent some time when he was younger visiting several intentional communities. When the opportunity arose for the two of us to visit one of them for a weekend conference, we jumped at the chance. The timing was perfect as our youngest daughter would be away and we could take this week to ourselves. I felt rejuvenated there. Most of the time in my adult life I have felt separated from those around me – like I don't fit in. Whether that be because I am a vegan, a young mom, or radical living in a very conservative area. The people there “got us”. There was even a workshop on alternative relationships. I was elated!
On Saturday evening of the conference, the community held a dance party. I wasn't sure, at first, if I would even dance – shyness got the best of me and my husband isn't a big dancer. But, one of my favorite songs came on and I had to get out there. I was amazed when my husband joined me a few songs later. It felt so much better to be sharing that experience with him and I could really relax and enjoy the party. Song after song, the room grew so insanely hot that men and women started to remove their tops. I have no problem with public nudity but also have anxiety about my midsection. It's not this taut, smooth, bikini belly. It's chubby and shows signs of my pregnancies. So, I was honestly shocked when I met a guy there that showed continuous interest in me. When other men notice me, I usually write it off thinking “yeah, they think I have great breasts (or even legs) but they haven't seen my stomach yet.” The guy at the dance was persistent, though, and asked me to sit outside and chat. I had already mentioned this to my husband, who supportively introduced himself and joined in our conversation later. Shortly after, my husband and I left to return to our campsite. The guy met us at the conference the next day and joined us in the alternative relationships workshop and our a tour of another intentional community. I was feeling a little giddy. He must really like me and I,too, found him quite attractive. We all parted and shared contact information. I was tickled to find that he had friend requested me on facebook that night.