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Old 10-10-2011, 05:13 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
I have never expected that to change. But when you are in love, there's always that slight hope.
It doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I would be heartbroken if my girlfriend and her husband split up. Granted, that's in part because I feel love for him too, but a large part of it is that I know she would be shattered if that happened and I love her too much to ever want that. Her marriage makes her stronger and happier as a person -- it lets her BE the person I love.

Now maybe that's not the case for your boyfriend, maybe his is a dysfunctional marriage. But on the other hand maybe it gives him more than you see... maybe if your hope was granted and he was yours alone you would find that, ironically, he was no longer the person you wanted.

If you think there's any chance that you and she could be compatible as friends, I strongly recommend that you pursue that friendship. You don't need to become bff's right away, but if you can each develop a genuine sympathy and interest in each other you can stop being competitors and start being supporters. After all you share the same goal -- making your man happy.

In the best case scenario, a bond between you and she could make it easier for him to commit to you, because it would make it easier for his life to be one cohesive whole... for instance, say he wants to go out to a fair, wouldn't it be easier and cheaper for him if he could take you both? And you would get to spend quality time with him that you might otherwise miss out on.

Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
I need to have more faith.
Faith is important but it is also completely valid to ask for reassurance and clarification. It's difficult being a secondary, I know. Do read the stuff about secondaries on the MoreThanTwo website linked above, there's some great advice in there.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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