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Old 10-09-2011, 06:36 PM
heidi heidi is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Poly/non-monogamy isn't necessarily the solution to having unsatisfying dating experiences in the mono world. Most if not all relationship skills you need for successful poly are the ones you need for a successful relationship, be it mono, open or poly. Is there a common denominator as to why your previous relationships haven't worked out? If it isn't you falling in love with others while dating someone else, then poly alone will unlikely be the solution.
I feel that the problems I have had with men is that they don't give me a chance unless they are truly needy. I am not sure why guys with any of their shit together don't give me a chance, but the truth is they don't. I wonder if this guy seems to value me BECAUSE he doesn't need to consider me as an only one.From what I am reading about the poly mentality, this is not an insult. I do truly value myself and that is why I have not settled for any half-assed relationships. If someone offers me everything I have hoped for except what they poly caveat limits, then it seems worth trying to figure out.


How much do you know about this guy after two weeks? I'm not saying you should know his full bio, blood type and shoe size, but some really basic things like how many others is he involved with, what is their stance on poly/boundaries, could someone be considered a primary/co-primaries and what are his standards and expectations around safe sex?
Yeah, we have talked about a lot of that stuff. having been through the last week, and having read up on the subject, I think I know better which questions I still need to ask. I do get the distinct impression that he is very sensitive to his women's needs and would be willing to come to decisions together. He does not have a primary at this point, and I have not heard him use this term.


Maybe. You should take into account the effects of NRE, or pure infatuation at this point. Plunging head-first into several relationships at once might be an attempt to stop-gap the loneliss, because it's not just any company you need - you want to be with your special someone.
Yeah, NRE is always a big factor. Never had a 'word' for it before. I tend to go a long time between relationships and so when I finally find something the NRE tends to make me blind to a lot. I get that urge to use the word 'love' well before it is appropriate, knowing full well that whe the NRE begins to fade everything will look different.


Imho, a degree of indepence and a belief in your own self-efficacy, believing you can be alone and still survive, is pretty essential. Especially if you don't have other partners at the moment, it's important you have an active life of your own where you don't just sit at home and wonder what he's up to with his other loves. Also, you have to have enough of a self-esteem to believe that you are actually lovable, desirable and dateable, which will not only make you a more interesting and charming person to be around, but also protect you against users and manipulators.
This is all good advice. I have been alone fairly consistently and can't figure out how men can resist me. I definitely need to develop more in my life. I certainly have not waited for a man to do anything- have a nearly grown child, an old house that I fix up myself, a master's degree, great job teaching college writing. I do spend an awful amount of time alone. This will be an issue regardless of who I end up with. This man has been far more attentive than men I have dated in the last 6 years or so who could not find any time for me.

Good communication skills or the will to develop them is important, as is general willingness to learn. Be honest and know yourself and your needs, wants and desires. If you really want a partner who is able to devote themselves to you on a primary basis, don't pretend you are happy with being someone's occasional lover if that's all they can offer you, just because you think you are not good enough for a real partnership. Relationships take time and energy, and while it's perfectly okay to have more casual things, they are in a way drain on your resources and limit your ability to develop new connections.
Communication is one of my strengths, and I think his too. I am definitely not one to bottle things up. I think we will be spending quite a bit of time together. I don't know how I feel about dating others to look for someone who only wants me. I think this would be really hard. I think that I might embrace the freedom to be with others, but not because I am not content with what he has to offer. I am not good at staying in things just to avoid being alone.
And while it's good to have imagination and empathy, getting too caught up in a fantasy image of your perfect relationship will blind you to the real life chances around you. I think it's a delicate balance between not hammering every relationship into a pre-defined mold of what you think you need in your life on the other hand and not settling with unsatisfactory partnerships because of fear and neediness on the other.Thanks, you have helped me to think about what I do know about myself as a potential partner, what I have found wanting in relationships in the past, my ability to distract myself from negative thoughts....



Were you focused on the situation, person and date you were with or did your thoughts keep on circling around this polyguy? Did you feel good and energized afterwards or empty and unsatisfied? Would you have gone out with these guys if you'd only met Mr. Poly after his trip? Is this your usual MO, or something that is uncharacteristic of you in general?[/QUOTE]
I was pretty much into the experiences i was in. I didn't feel empty afterwards, I would say more energized, but not with the hopefulness that comes with the NRE afterglow. Do you mean if he was not with this other woman when these opportunities arose? Like if I had the choice between going to his house instead of having company? I would definitely have chosen to be at his house or him here. If he was unavailable for other reasons? I don't know. I guess I feel like that is something I should have been able to figure out before being thrust into withdrawal.
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