View Single Post
  #3  
Old 10-09-2011, 03:41 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Hullo and welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi View Post
Because of my lousy experiences with relationships, I have been very open and clear in considering that the relationship/lover that would for me will most likely be something/one off the beaten path.
Poly/non-monogamy isn't necessarily the solution to having unsatisfying dating experiences in the mono world. Most if not all relationship skills you need for successful poly are the ones you need for a successful relationship, be it mono, open or poly. Is there a common denominator as to why your previous relationships haven't worked out? If it isn't you falling in love with others while dating someone else, then poly alone will unlikely be the solution.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi View Post
...I understand that this is important to his time with any of his lovers (I don't think he has many)...
How much do you know about this guy after two weeks? I'm not saying you should know his full bio, blood type and shoe size, but some really basic things like how many others is he involved with, what is their stance on poly/boundaries, could someone be considered a primary/co-primaries and what are his standards and expectations around safe sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi View Post
... am I interested in meeting up with these men because I am just filling the time that I want to have filled by my polyman?...Will I get to the point when I will actually want to spend full weeks with someone else? Will I ever feel ok when this is what he chooses to do?
Maybe. You should take into account the effects of NRE, or pure infatuation at this point. Plunging head-first into several relationships at once might be an attempt to stop-gap the loneliss, because it's not just any company you need - you want to be with your special someone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi View Post
... are there some good pointers about how to know whether a person is the kind who can handle this kind of thing?
Imho, a degree of indepence and a belief in your own self-efficacy, believing you can be alone and still survive, is pretty essential. Especially if you don't have other partners at the moment, it's important you have an active life of your own where you don't just sit at home and wonder what he's up to with his other loves. Also, you have to have enough of a self-esteem to believe that you are actually lovable, desirable and dateable, which will not only make you a more interesting and charming person to be around, but also protect you against users and manipulators.

Good communication skills or the will to develop them is important, as is general willingness to learn. Be honest and know yourself and your needs, wants and desires. If you really want a partner who is able to devote themselves to you on a primary basis, don't pretend you are happy with being someone's occasional lover if that's all they can offer you, just because you think you are not good enough for a real partnership. Relationships take time and energy, and while it's perfectly okay to have more casual things, they are in a way drain on your resources and limit your ability to develop new connections.

And while it's good to have imagination and empathy, getting too caught up in a fantasy image of your perfect relationship will blind you to the real life chances around you. I think it's a delicate balance between not hammering every relationship into a pre-defined mold of what you think you need in your life on the other hand and not settling with unsatisfactory partnerships because of fear and neediness on the other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi View Post
What sort of indicators should I have been aware of when considering whether it was emptiness, or promiscuity, or just great opportunities that guided my choices about sex with other men.
Were you focused on the situation, person and date you were with or did your thoughts keep on circling around this polyguy? Did you feel good and energized afterwards or empty and unsatisfied? Would you have gone out with these guys if you'd only met Mr. Poly after his trip? Is this your usual MO, or something that is uncharacteristic of you in general?
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower

Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 10-09-2011 at 03:44 PM.
Reply With Quote