Originally Posted by redpepper
Ceoli- I remembering you saying to me once, after you dated that couple, that you would like to have a "V" as I have. I suggest to you that perhaps you are feeling misunderstood because you don't have what you seek yet. It seems to me that the other "thirds" on this forum are largely happy with their position and are quite comfy and feeling loved and needed in their situations. Aussielover seems so and I know Mono seems so... (okay Mono, lets face it, this thing we have is pretty damned close to a triad in terms of what we speak of anyway). Perhaps you need to listen to that in yourself and begin seeking out primary relationships. This man you are getting to know on the west coast cannot offer you this situation. He sounds lovely and you sound excited and perhaps I am reading too much into your investment here, but he is just good while you could be seeking GREAT! Because you are seeking out good, you are maybe wasting the time you should be using to have GREAT!
Further more, .......and I'm so sorry for taking over this thread violet, but I have been thinking hard about you Ceoli and have finally thought what this might all be for you.... I think that perhaps because you have so much hard earned experience and wisdom about being a third, that is largely what you share on here. I would ask if maybe that keeps you in it? You are a strong advocate for the rights of thirds for sure, but perhaps you can let that go a bit and think about what direction you want to go now.
I'm going to respectfully disagree with that assessment. As I have said repeatedly, I have no issues with healthy triad relationships working for others even though I know that such a situation wouldn't work for me. However, what I haven been saying seems to be being viewed through a different lens. What kept me in the debate initially was that SG seemed to be viewing everything I said through that lens and continually took issue with things that I neither said nor implied. Other issues I've been bringing up have to do with issues I see in their dynamic, not issues I have with the dynamic itself. And acknowledging that there's a huge piece of this dynamic that people are missing yet still judging on. It seems that trying to create an equal triad is placing a lot of strain on the relationship and it seems that forcing this relationship into that specific structure is causing a lot of pain for Violet and probably for the other members too.
This is not the same as fighting for the rights of the third.
This isn't about me or my search for a primary. I'm very happy with where I'm at at the moment and happy with what relationships I have budding. I don't expect that part to be understood. This is about recognizing and calling out some very serious issues that I see from my perspective and that's it. And apparently it's a lot of work for that perspective to be understood and not lambasted at times. But since it's not about me, I don't take it with me off the page. If you have any further questions or issues about it, feel free to PM me.