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Old 10-09-2011, 11:23 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I also think you need to get clear on what he means by “stability.” Does that mean you will have to be monogamous with him? Or committed to a pre-defined number of days per month with him? Working to support a household with him?
...
What does stability mean to you and Davis? Can’t you have everything you want and be stable, too?
He's not asking monogamy of me. When we decided to date again, he assured me that he respects my relationship with Gia and didn't seek to limit it in any way, now or in the future.

We also agreed to wait at least 3 months before talking about me re-engaging with the casual partners I'd been seeing, and at least 6 months before talking about me initiating any new potential intimate relationships. The idea was not necessarily that we'd move forward with those things at those spots in the timeline, just that we'd wait at least that long to open up the conversation, moving at his level of comfort, with the promise that he would work at being more comfortable.

So, yeah, just to be very clear, there's no monogamy requirement, just some built in time for him to get used to the idea of me being with people other than Gia and Eric.

[For the record, yes, according to the "timeline" he and I could be talking now about me hooking up with Harry again. I haven't brought it up to him, though, because the whole point of giving it time was really to allow our relationship to find a good, comfortable rhythm and a sense of (that word again!) stability, and I don't feel like we're there yet. Also, while I missed Harry a lot at first, right now I've just got other stuff on my mind.]

He himself, however, is quite inclined to be monogamous -- he's tried to be interested in other women in the 4 years since we split up, but he couldn't ever really feel it. So, if we stay together I will very likely be his one and only partner. I don't know about numbers of days per month, but I would certainly need to be able to build a household with him and spend a significant amount of time with him in order to meet his needs as his sole partner.

So, I think that's what stability means in this context -- that we've set in place a firm foundation for a future we could share together... starting with, most likely getting a place together, blending finances, maybe making some long-term plans.

You've got a point though that it couldn't hurt to clarify this with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
He’s already told you he’s willing to wait even a year before you give him any kind of commitment, right? So relax, darlin’!
Haha, good point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I would say they can all be at the top of your priorities, just handled differently.
Yeah, that's a good way to think about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
...letting things with you, him, and Gia just simmer and become this gloriously delicious and nourishing soup.
Wow, love this analogy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The difference here is that, with Gia and Eric, YOU wanted an answer. With Davis, HE wants the answer.
Excellent point... it's funny for me to realize how much more comfortable I seem to be with the former versus the latter.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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