I'm still going with what I originally thought you could try. That is to catch each other in the moment and re-shape (to use a Monoism
) the words that the person has said into ones that don't trigger so that you can hear them instead of being triggered and getting angry...
Last night I had a long conversation on the way home from our parenting class with my husband that lasted until 1 in the morning about some issues that came up. I was triggered because I felt as if he was brushing off my hard earned experience of something because he thought he was right... I in turn triggered him because I blew up and stormed off....he was confused and hurt and I was hurt and felt disrespected.
We never figured out how to solve this complicated dynamic that has been going on for years, but after telling him what I wanted to hear and after exploring why I get triggered (comes from a mum who told me and everyone else when I was a child that I couldn't do things because I wasn't very bright) we at least came to the agreement that we would try to acknowledge in the moment that we are triggered so we can change course and explore that in the moment.... then we went on to say that we would ask each other if we are triggered and gave each other the words we needed to hear in order to make sure that the experience didn't get out of hand. For example, I would prefer he say, "could it be that you are feeling triggered" rather than "you are being triggered, I think we should stop and look at it." The latter would make me more angry as it would sound like he is telling me what I should do.
Does this make sense?
It totally works for us and is a skill we learned at a communication course we went to before we got married... hope you get something out of it too.