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Old 10-08-2011, 05:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I just don't think a lower level of involvement/commitment is going to work for us here, he's been so into me for so long and he's longing for stability right now. If I truly can't give that to him than I probably just need to step away and allow him space to move on.
Well, rather than “step away,” you could express what you want and see if he’ll “step up.”

I also think you need to get clear on what he means by “stability.” Does that mean you will have to be monogamous with him? Or committed to a pre-defined number of days per month with him? Working to support a household with him? Stability isn’t about the outward physical trappings. It’s about a steadfastness of feeling and dedication, I think, just as much. I am thinking of this guy I know. He’s an activist, and a performer, a husband who co-parents, and sheesh, he’s got quite a number of partners and “sweeties,” as he calls them. I don’t even know how many! His career as a singer and his activism has him traveling all over the country and yet, I have never had the sense that his home life is unstable, especially given the pride he takes in being a co-parent. He once met me for a drink and called his wife while we were out. I could tell that what they have is stability, because of his commitment to his relationship with her – it had nothing to do with how many other things he had going on. Of course, I’m sure managing his time and travel is an important aspect, and he does what he has to in order to take care of his home life, but believe me his plate is full. It is probably helpful that his wife is poly, too, but still – what does stability mean to you and Davis? Can’t you have everything you want and be stable, too?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Then again, six months post baby might not be too much to ask... this does seem, in some ways, like the exact wrong time for this, with so much up in the air. On the other hand, if things were smooth between me and Davis then his support and presence during this crazy time might be just the rock I'd need. *sigh*
He’s already told you he’s willing to wait even a year before you give him any kind of commitment, right? So relax, darlin’!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'm trying to figure out how I'd prioritize Davis and Gia in my life if I stay with Davis. Could he ever really be the most important thing to me when Gia and Bee are so incalculably precious to me?
I would say they can all be at the top of your priorities, just handled differently.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
. . . my concern that it's not possible to get what I'm feeling like I want here (love, friendship, no commitment). I could just leave things be, I know that, but it's hard not to try to think it all through and work it out...
Look how long and patiently you waited (and are still waiting) to express your feelings to Eric, and how much time you gave to letting things with you, him, and Gia just simmer and become this gloriously delicious and nourishing soup. You know you have the patience, and the ability to sit through discomfort and not knowing how things will turn out. The difference here is that, with Gia and Eric, YOU wanted an answer. With Davis, HE wants the answer. I still wonder if psychically you are feeling too much pressure from him to fulfill a role, and that’s what has you befuddled.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Yes, we re-entered this relationship with the understanding that the goal was to move towards building a life together.
Does that mean, specifically, to give up everyone else you hold equally dear? In other words, “to forsake all others” as they say in typical mono marriage vows? If so, that does seem rather unfair and cruel to you. Is he unable to budge at all? Hasn't he already come a long way in understanding that you need/want/desire the other people in your life, or do you think it would be too much of a battle?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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