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Old 10-07-2011, 02:42 AM
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ray ray is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
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Life is a lot like a puzzle sometimes but lately, the pieces have begun to come together. I had a revelation recently...it may come as a shock


I've decided to be monogamous.

Not with any specific person, just in general, for the future. It's not something I've ever experienced. As I've examined myself and what I want from romantic relationships, I've concluded that monogamy would best suit me. I'd be open to non-sexual play (kink) with people outside the relationship but I only want to have there be one 'love' relationship going on at a time.

I think that having my first relationship be polyamorous and feeling like I needed myself to accept it even if it wasn't what I really wanted it. I felt a bit pigeon holed. Like I had ended up there and just needed to keep going down that road. Then, joining the kink community only encouraged that. Monogamy, there, is not the norm and it tends to be a bit looked down upon. As I continued to explore poly, it just felt less and less rewarding. I realized that I really want to be monogamous. I had just been denying myself something because I didn't believe I was worth it. Naturally, I still see poly as a valid option, just not for me personally at this juncture in my life.

In other news, Nurse and I are no longer speaking. He had a couple of angry outbursts, including a scene where he neglected to tell me that he was furious at me but went ahead and beat the crap out of me any way. He attempted to force me into friendship (after I'd expressed a desire to maintain my distance) with his girl toy and tried to get me to cut off my friendship with E and M. He has yet to apologize for his actions and I've decided that my life is better off without him in it. I don't want to be treated that way and life is too short to waste my time. In fact, after that traumatic scene and all the drama that arose from my conflict with Nurse and his girl toy, I've decided to take an indefinite hiatus from the kink community here in SLC. His girl toy spread false rumors about me and seems to love stirring the pot. I have no desire to be involved some place where people create drama and let it swirl around like Hurricane Katrina. Hence the dream where Nurse and GT got eaten by a bear. It was pretty satisfying.

I've dated a little bit in the last month or two, some good some bad but nothing really viable. Beanstalk (he's rather tall) and I went on two dates. I definitely felt attracted to him and really love hanging out but decided that pursing a romantic relationship probably wasn't a good idea. He's 36, recovering from a divorce (10yr relationship) and lives across the street. We appear to be developing a platonic friendship. Which I feel pretty good about. He's a fun and interesting person. He does audio stuff and is also a musician. He's fairly introverted and reserved but one on one we've had great conversations about deep things. Actually, I really love how introverted he is. It's refreshing. It's unfortunate that the circumstances aren't really right for something more. I'm glad to have met him though, hopefully we get to hang out more soon.

I also went on a date with a guy from OKC. We can call him Creeper. We went out for sushi and we clicked, were having good conversation and all. Then he started to be a bit more touchy. I have a pretty big personal space bubble with people and it was making me a little uncomfortable but I let it slide since he wasn't coming on very strong. We went to a bar and he tried to get me to hit on the female bartender which was a little awkward and not too classy. Then, we went and sat in a park near my house. He tried to bring me into kiss him and I told him that I didn't want to kiss him. He didn't want to take no for an answer and I repeatedly stated my position. He told me I was over-thinking it.... I told him I felt pretty sure. He tried to make me feel really guilty about telling him no. He definitely doesn't get a second date. In addition, he triggered some old anxieties about dating. This has totally killed any desire to date for the time being. Which works out since school is keeping me plenty busy. Still, it pisses me off. Stupid expectations...

I went to visit the Beanstalk for a few minutes today (brought him some stuff from my garden) and chatted for a bit. I told him about Creeper and how OKC was making me feel overwhelmed. Now that I'm not squashed with midterms, I might be able to be a bit more social with friends. While I was visiting, my energy levels just plummeted so I went home and made some dinner. Now, I'm relaxing and watching some TV. I'd hoped to get more school work done but I was definitely done for the night.

I also decided to apply to grad school for the fall. If all goes well, next year I will be pursuing my MSW. This coming week is our fall break. I will be doing lots of homework, grad school apps and cleaning. I also am getting a manicure on Monday lol. First time in 10 years. It feels so silly and frivolous but I want to try it. I'll probably go to million yoga classes too. Even though I've got a lot going on, I feel good about where things are and where they might go.

Last edited by ray; 10-07-2011 at 02:45 AM.
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