The problem with sharing all this is that I have so much in my head that in my 'steam of consciousness' when I'm writing, I seem to miss out important things. For instance, it sounded like the only reason i didn't pursue my colleague was that he was in a monogamous relationship. This is bollocks. The main reason was that I dearly loved my last boyfriend & would never want to hurt him. I'm sure there are many other things that I've missed (& will miss) out. Guess I'll just have to deal with that.
Here is something I wrote some weeks ago now. I enjoy writing, and have many bits and bobs on my pc which relate to my inner thoughts. I thought I may as well put it in one place as I find them. I'm not shy of sharing my thoughts to total strangers
I am quite a shy person, although I LOVE to love!
I have to feel immense closeness to someone to feel truly relaxed, comfortable & fully myself with. I would prefer this feeling, or to be on my own, than socialising solely with people I don't feel this with. Having said that, I love meeting new people even without that connection - it does take me a while to relax with people & I find it much easier with someone more extroverted around sometimes; I'm more relaxed then (I do get on very well with fellow introverts though). I am confident in myself though, and find it quite easy to get on with people generally and tend to enjoy socialising in general.
I like to be with someone I love (be it friends, family or lovers) or to be alone, and I really do enjoy flirting. I feel this has implications for my sexuality. It certainly means I need to be with someone who has absolute confidence in my love for them, reinforced by open discussion, even when I may be spending time with/interested in others (be it family, friends or romantic interests/people I fancy or just random strangers!). If they had the same sexuality then that's totally cool - as is if they were monogamous! Honesty about feelings & relationships would have to be a given.
I am scared by my total obliviousness to what I want in the future - I know I want long term, committed, meaningful relationships (as well as lovely friendships with equally awesome people which aren't so deep - where we don't have to share our deepest thoughts or bodies to still enjoy each others company!). I don't know where I'll end up, what I'll be doing, whether I'll want to travel or live abroad. I know I want kids one day & ideally to raise them with the father around. I know I want to give birth, adoption is not out of the question either. Ideally I want more than 1...but who knows what will happen. This is definitely an important goal but I acknowledge potential that I end up in just about any possible scenario. I'm ok with that.
The thought of having kids now that I'm acknowledging and living with the fact that I love more than 1 person scares me - I don't want to fuck a kid up, or a lover - not anyone. I am scared my desires are too selfish for anyone else to fit in with. There are so many parts of my personality/morality that are pretty static - my desire to work with people/to make people happy through my job (i.e. I could happily craft for a living), my political views, my spirituality, many of my passions (nature, people, making things & lots of things related to all those), my environmentalism, my love of life and certain people that I don't think will change. Would this be enough for any partner(s) to accept? Would we be able to reach a happy lifestyle together that allowed us all to flourish? I hope so...
I've also kind of taken for granted that the fact that I am bi-curious, as well as my reasons for wanting polyamory would be cool with anyone I committed to. I know for sure that I would be happy if they loved other people! I have loved more than 1 before, and I still do. I love 3 men profoundly. I have loved them all deeply since the moment we met; if soulmates exist, they are them. I can't believe I'd want to be committed to anyone I didn't feel this with, ever. I also don't think I could be in a relationship with more than one person if they didn't get on. I, of course, also love my family very deeply as well as some friends. To some extent I feel a little bit of love for just about everyone. I have a lot of love to give, baby.
I really don't know how it would work in reality. Would it be ok to be totally open? I feel the need to be committed, but would anyone really be ok with me pursuing that with other people. I think i'd be fine if they did that but in reality how would it work? Would we be ok if we hooked up with mutual friends? Strangers? Would we cope with the jealousy? What happens if we love 2 people equally who wanted different things? What if I wanted to travel and my lovers other lover wanted to stay put? Would we be able to form a mutual agreement & be happy with the consequences? I think my main policy would be to do what made me happy and to support whatever made my lover(s) happy in each individual situation which arose. If they would abide by that, things would be smoother I imagine....am I worrying too much?