In bed, listening to Ben Folds, drinking red wine and eating little circles of dark chocolate. Feeling quiet, still, sad.
Davis and I have had some really solid times together recently. Good conversations, good sex. I like best those chaste and sweet times when we're falling asleep or just waking up. We wrap around each other, hold each other. Safe. I feel wholly and unreservedly comfortable with him. He knows me, he trusts me, I know him, I trust him. Completely. He's solid and warm and dear to me. He's my best friend.
But too often, when we're hanging out other times, I find myself asking uncomfortable questions of myself and not having any good answers. I feel bored or annoyed with him, I feel like I could be making better use of my time, I wonder what the hell I'm doing.
Like, for instance, I'll ask him how his day was... he's in between contracts at work, so he has all day free... and he'll say he was bored. And I just boggle at that. Life is so big and exciting and there's never enough time to do even a part of all I want to do. And he's bored. How can he be bored? Do I really want to be partnered with someone so boring that he can't figure out how not to be bored when he has all the time in the world to play with, to grow in?
I talked to him about it all, just a little bit, the other day... about feeling uneasy, about not being sure if I wanted to move in together. He said he understood, but that he thought he would need some commitment and stability in the next 6 to 12 months. We left things up in the air, but I don't think he knows I'm so unsure about our relationship itself and I haven't figured out if I can/should tell him yet.
I told Gia today, over instant message, that I was having these doubts about my relationship with Davis. She said that she could see he and I working together, and that she wants me to "have a full-time partner" for her "own selfish reasons" (she's fretted about neglecting me before), but that she'd like to hear more about my worries. Hopefully we'll have time in the next couple of days... I think talking to her will help.
I want Davis as my best friend and my lover. I'd be happy to have him here with me now to hold and be held as we fall asleep. I just think less and less that I want him him to be my life partner. And I think it's going to come down to all or nothing. The thought leaves me feeling washed out and toneless. I wish it all just fit and worked the way it seems like it should.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.