Tonight I just feel the need to offload about my most recent experience of relationships. There is a lot of truth to share!
As I said in my introduction, I came out of a relationship quite recently - about 2 months ago. The relationship lasted a good number of years through many turbulent times.
It was a huge whirlwind at the start - within weeks of meeting he was living with me. Within a couple of weeks of that, he became profoundly jealous. To be fair, I had been a bit of a slut before we met. I had been in lots of previous relationships too; I was his first. He was my first love. Never had I felt what I did (and still do) for him...if soulmates exist, he is one. I would never have betrayed his trust, ever - he didn't believe that.
I did have attractions for other people; I see this as normal. I never dreamed of acting upon them. He had people offer him casual sex (I wonder if it's because we lived in a shared house where people could hear how compatible we were in the bedroom
), which I was fine with. He, however could not even seem to fathom, let alone accept that I was faithful to him.
Because I loved him so deeply, I wanted him to be happy. His jealousy was tearing him apart. I didn't want to leave him, we were so happy together! After leaving that situation and letting every friendship go, his jealousy subsided and we did build a life together with some good friends in it.
We had many ups and downs, as many relationships do. Our love grew throughout. My respect for myself pretty much disappeared - his never really existed. This changed for both of us within the last year - many issues factor into this, which I won't go into now. We both started to love ourselves. I felt like I really loved HIM (not what he did for me) for the first time. I also started to love me. It was a revelation.
In this time I really became confident in myself, and able to express who I was. I wanted to share myself with him, so did. The last few months of our relationship were probably the best, although I think some of the things I shared about myself did not sit too comfortably with him. He wondered whether I really was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I also had a lower sex drive than him whilst he had a lower 'cuddle drive' with me. We were pretty incompatible on that front, as well as some of our core values being different.
Many issues aside from all this lead to the break up. Whilst we were in our discussions about our future (which lasted for months), I suggested we open the relationship up. I said I felt the need for more deep connections and that I knew he needed more sex than me. It seemed the ideal solution.
He is monogamous through and through though. He was simply not comfortable with that thought. It was fine by me; I would have stayed monogamous for him. But other factors meant we just did not feel compatible. For example we both want kids, but he would want genetic testing for any illnesses or differences. Whilst I believe others can do what they want, I am so completely 100% not ever going to do this with a life that's growing inside me. Another issue was my being unsure what the hell I want to do with my life. I know I want kids, I know that someday I would like to settle down. That is all I do know. He has a life plan mapped out, which began to feel threatened by me.
And then I met someone through work with whom I felt an intense connection with immediately. This felt like another 'soulmate' scenario (and still does). I disclosed this to my boyfriend - I also said that I never had any desire to ever pursue it, since the new man had a wife and family with whom he was intensely happy. I would never ever want to damage this, for his sake and his families. He is much older than me, which doesn't bother me in the slightest - we now work together. We have acknowledged that something being there but I think also have unspoken acknowledgement that romantically/physically, nothing will happen. We are a fucking amazing team though, doing what I feel to be profoundly important work with people who need support - this alone is more than enough for me. After hearing all this my boyfriend could accept it, he was happy for me - but he said 'You'd be better off with somelike him than me'. I think he was right, though at the time I wanted to stay with him.
In the ended, it felt like we were living together, loved each other, but no passion was fuelling the fire. It was very sad - I went through a lot of grieving before moving out. We both knew it was for the best although I don't think either of us said anything to the effect of 'it's over'. It just ran its course.
By the time I moved out, I had accepted the situation and just wanted him to be happy - to be able to lead the life he wanted to lead. I still regret that he's not poly...we are amazing together, but hey ho - the time I did have with him was so special, I feel very lucky to have had it. I still love him to bits, but I am happier out of that particular set-up. He's coming to terms with things at a slower pace than I did, but he's getting there. He's building the life for himself which he desires, which is just awesome