You can't control what your two text-friends do. Maybe they have agreements with their partners that they just don't feel comfortable talking about, maybe there are other good reasons they need an outlet (the marriage is loveless but they can't leave cuz she'll take the kids, etc), or maybe they're just plain cheaters. But you're not at fault for their behavior, whatever it might be.
Where you're failing both yourself and them is in not telling them what's going on with you and your partner. Why not be honest? Maybe they're carrying around all this guilt because they think they're ruining your marriage, and it would be a huge gift to them to know they're not. Maybe it would inspire them to bring up poly to their partners and start a beautiful new phase in their lives. Or maybe it would ruin the fun for them, who knows. But either way, if you're gonna call yourself poly you've gotta aim for honesty.
You can then, if you choose, ask them to open up to you more about what's going on in their own relationships, but that's their call.
Personally, I wouldn't want to be involved with a cheater who didn't have a really good reason for it. One, if he lies to his spouse of course he'll lie to me, maybe he's even scummy enough that he'd lie about things like his STD status! Two, what if his wife found out and flipped out and came after me to kill me??! Lies are scary! But that's your call.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 10-05-2011 at 10:21 PM.